


Forgotten Avengers: Book 7

by Agent Finlay (AgentFinlay), AgentFinlay



Series: Forgotten Avengers: The Recovered Files of Skoll & Hati [8]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:53:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 35,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23398777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentFinlay/pseuds/Agent%20Finlay, https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentFinlay/pseuds/AgentFinlay
Summary: *CONTENT WARNING*The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.Reader discretion is advised.
Relationships: bucky barnes/oc, captain america/OC
Series: Forgotten Avengers: The Recovered Files of Skoll & Hati [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604899





	1. Hollow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Fin - 1936]**

_Der Mond ist aufgegangen - Gute Nacht Kleiner Bär_

_“...Der Wald steht schwarz und schweiget Und aus den Wiesen steiget, Der weiße Nebel wunderbar” The woman’s voice was gentle as she sang the familiar lullaby. The child in her lap smiling. “Kannst du mit mir singen?” The woman’s voice was soft and sweet, encouraging._

_“Ja, mama” The girl answered._

_“Ja?” She woman kissed her child on the forehead, rocking them both as she continued. The little girls struggled with the words, mostly babbling the melody. “Wie ist die Welt so stille Und in der Dämmrung Hülle. So traulich und so hold Als eine stille Kammer, Wo ihr des Tages Jammer_

_Verschlafen und vergessen sollt”_

_“MAMA!” She screamed into the darkness around her as she startled herself awake. She was cold and hungry and terrified. “MAMA! Wo ist mama!?” Something large slammed against the metal door and the sound echoed off the empty walls. She backed into the opposite corner and made herself as small as possible, unable to find even a blanket to cower behind as her father burst into the room. She only knew the terrifying man was her father because he’d told her so...and who was she to question him?_

_“Don’t you ever SHUT UP!?” He shouted and the child felt a warm trickle down her leg as a new wave of tears welled in her eyes. “Disgusting. We will break you of that as well.”_

_He waved to the open hall behind him and stepped aside, allowing a figure into the room. Based on her shape the child’s instinct was that the stranger was a woman but her clothes covered her form head to toe so it was hard to tell. The woman walked to the child who raised her arms, expecting to be picked up and comforted. Instead her outstretched hands were struck with a narrow crop. She pulled back from the sting and opened her mouth to wail again._

_“'Please. I want mama!” the woman raised the crop to strike and the child’s mouth shut._

_“She learns quickly.” The woman nodded at the man in approval._

_“Thank the gods for small favors”_

_The next years are spent learning to be disciplined. Speak only when spoken to, Crying was not tolerated, wetting yourself was unacceptable and NEVER ask about mother. The nights started in a small cage, the kind intended to train dogs, and every morning the woman would enter the room to let her out. She was then taken to a room that mirrored her own, this one with a small table. There she was taught to speak english, russian, and japanese; alongside her native german. She was taught ballet as well as basic hand to hand fighting, with and without the use of close combat weapons. If she made it through the lessons with no mistakes she was rewarded with american cartoons. Usually this consisting of a single short from disney’s silly symphonies collection and the little girl enjoyed the only color allowed in her world. Never noticing the subliminal messages between the frames._

  
  


**[Fin - 02:02 June 1st, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

_Zero - Indianola_

I woke up in a cold sweat with tears on my cheeks, something I was getting used to. I reached for my phone in the dark, having it in my hand before I was even completely awake and I looked at the screen blankly. I knew why I'd grabbed it, what I wanted. I wanted to call Steve. I wanted him to rush over and save me from the nightmares, scare away the metaphorical monster under my bed. I laid the phone back on the nightstand. I couldn’t call him, he couldn’t save me. He couldn’t tell me that the dreams weren’t real, because I knew they were, and the monster in them was me.

I laid back down, closing my eyes to try and get back to sleep but it wasn’t going to happen. Instead, I rolled out of bed and pulled on a pair of shorts, trying to move around my room as quietly as possible to sneak downstairs. When I opened my bedroom door Elena was standing in the hall and I wasn't sure if I'd woken her getting dressed or if I'd been talking in my sleep again. 

“Can’t sleep?”

“What gave it away.” I looked at the clock on the dresser behind me, it was two in the morning, I'd only been asleep for three hours. “ Besides, I’m not sure this is the kind of tiredness you can fix with sleep.”

“Nightmares still?” She asked as though it was something I should be done with by now, I knew she hadn’t meant it that way but I was sleep-deprived and irrational.

“No, I' ve just decided to try a new morning routine” I snapped at her.

“You don’t have to be a dick about it Fin. I’m just trying to help.”

“I don’t need help, I need my brain to shove everything back into the box it fell out of.” I pressed my palms against the sides of my head, emphasizing my point. 

“You need to talk about it.” She suggested, not for the first time. I rolled my eyes at her. “You don’t have to tell me, but you need to talk to someone because if you don’t let it out you’re just going to keep it in your head.”

“Well I would make an appointment with my therapist but he’s MIA. And also Hydra, so there’s that.”

“Find someone who isn’t. And do it soon. I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this version of Fin.” She walked back into her room, slamming the door in frustration and I wondered to myself if this version of me was the only version left.

I stomped down the metal steps and started the music with no thoughts of being quiet, the rooms upstairs were pretty well soundproofed but I wanted the music louder than me. I wanted it to be too loud for me to hear my own thoughts and too loud for Elena to hear me screaming. 

  
  


**[Bucky - 02:05 June 1st, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

The music startled me awake. I didn’t have a clock but it couldn’t have been later than three in the morning. I rolled over on the foam mattress Elena had brought up for me, pulling a pillow over my head as I tried to muffle the sound. This was the fourth night straight that Elena’s friend had woken up at an ungodly hour to torture me. I knew that wasn’t her intention, I was pretty sure she didn’t know I was here, but it was becoming problematic. 

“YOU SON OF A BITCH!” She yelled as her fists hit what sounded like a punching bag. I was surprised I could make out words over the music but her voice carried clearly up the metal stairwell. “YOU KILLED HER! YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KILLED ME TOO!”

I gave up trying to sleep. I got up and walked to the opening where the stairs curved up into the hangar, lowering my bare feet onto the steps quietly. I only went down far enough to see into the open gym, I saw the girl called Fin punching and kicking a large leather-wrapped bag that hung from a chain in the ceiling. 

“ICH BIN KEIN MONSTER” She creamed at the bag.“ICH BIN NICHT SCHLECHT!”

Even this far away I heard the pop of a bone-breaking when she hit the bag at a wrong angle, it didn’t stop her. 

“Ich. Bin. GUT!” She kept hitting the bag and repeating those three words, the thwack of fists hitting leather punctuating them. I could see tears on her face that she didn’t wipe away, she let them fall and kept punching. “Ich bin gut...Ich bin gut...Ich bin gut…” After a while her arms grew heavy, dropping to her sides in defeat. 

“Ich bin nicht schlecht.” She panted, sinking to her knees on the mat. She leaned forward, catching herself on her wrapped hands before rolling onto her side and curling into a ball. “Ich bin gut.” She fell asleep like that, having pushed her body to a level of exhaustion her mind couldn’t fight anymore. 

I crept down the rest of the stairs and turned off the music before sneaking back to bed and going to sleep.  
  


**[Steve - 06:07 June 1st, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_Hollow - Belle MT_

“Another rough night.” I’d woken up to those three words waiting for me on my phone. I’d fallen asleep after texting Elena to see how Fin was doing and she’d answered around two in the morning. I wanted to help, but she wanted me to leave her alone. I wasn’t a ‘leave it alone’ sort of person and it was taking everything I had to fill my time with distractions and not spend every waking minute worrying. The waking minutes were the only ones I had any control over. When I slept all I did was worry. 

I’d woken up a few nights from phantom pain, the memory of being injected with super soldier serum replaying in my dreams. I volunteered for the procedure but it had not been a pleasant experience. Occasionally I'd sleep through the pains of the needles in my arms, my body growing too fast too quickly...those nights I watched Dr. Erskine die, over and over again. Sometimes it wasn’t just him. Sometimes it was everyone who’d been there that day, Howard, Colonel Phillips, Peggy...sometimes it was them and more. Once I'd woken up in a cold sweat from a dream where I was in the room watching the procedure but Fin had been in the chamber instead of me, not the Fin I knew but the photo I'd seen of her frozen in a crate. Her little face watched out of the circular glass in the front of the chamber, screaming as Howard turned up the vita-rays. 

No matter what dreams I did or didn’t have, I woke up every morning telling myself I had a job to do. I couldn’t worry about it. As I walked into the kitchen I met Wanda, eating cereal that was more sugar than nutrition. I moved past her without a word, going to the fridge and pouring myself a glass of orange juice. Neither of us spoke as I drank it. She ate her cereal. Looking at the cartoon tiger on the front of the box like it was the most interesting thing. When I finished I rinsed my glass and put it in the sink, I started to leave but she stopped me. 

“Are you alright?” She asked. My brain answered no before the words left my mouth. 

“Just tired. I’m fine.” I smiled. 

“No.” her brows furrowed. 

“No?” 

“No. You said ‘no’ to my question.” she explained. 

“Wanda, we talked about this.” I didn’t like her getting into people’s heads, especially not mine. 

“I know! I don’t mean to!” She put her hands up. “I can’t always help it.”

“You should work on it.”

“I am. I’m trying.”

“Good.” I turned to leave both the kitchen and this conversation. 

“It’s easier if you don’t lie.” She added before I could escape. I stopped with my back to her. 

“I’m fine. I’m just worried, and tired.” I exhaled. “And tired of worrying.”

“About her?” She didn’t say who, Fin’s name was unofficially banned in the compound. I’d had nothing to do with it but suspected Sam may have spoken to a handful of people about not mentioning her to me. I appreciated not having to answer all the questions about how she was doing, or explaining why she wasn’t here, but I didn't like that people were pretending she didn’t exist at the risk of upsetting me. 

“Yes, I'm worried about Fin.”

“Why don’t you call her? Go see her?” she said it like it was the most obvious solution and she was shocked I hadn't thought of it myself. 

“Because, she asked me not to.” I explained. 

“And you’re just...not?” 

“What can I say, I'm good at following orders.” I left before she could ask anything else, although I assumed if she wanted to know she’d just poke around my brain when I wasn't looking. That wasn’t fair, to think that of Wanda, she’d been on our side in the fight against Ultron at a point where she and her brother could have run. They should have run, if they had she might still have a brother. I knew she was trying to make things right, we all were. 

  
  


**[Elena - 17:02 June 2nd, 2015 - CLASSIFIED]**

I heard Clint’s pick up rumbling in the distance miles before it’s dusty white body came into view. The sound reminded me of listening for my dad to pull up the drive after work, my mother and I waiting to greet him at the door. The brief flash of nostalgia was a welcome reprieve from the stress I'd been living in for the past few weeks. It wasn’t Fin’s fault, I knew that, but the lack of sleep was starting to get to me. She’d finally worn herself out around two this morning and I'd gotten a few hours before heading out to meet Clint. I glanced at my phone, the message from Bucky telling me Fin was still down for the count. Good, I didn't want her to wake up alone, even if she wasn’t going to want me there.

I was running out of ways to try to help her, I tried to talk her into sitting down with Sam but she’d shut that idea down quickly. I understood why, Sam was Steve’s friend and there was no guarantee he’d keep what she said between the two of them. I didn’t think Sam would do that but Fin wasn’t as certain, which ruled him out as a confidant. For now I would focus on the problems I could actually do something about. 

“Sorry I'm late, Laura needed a hand with the kids and--” He started as he got out of the truck, I put my hand up to stop him. 

“Don’t apologize. How’s the baby?” 

“He’s doing good.” he grinned, pulling up a picture on his phone. “We should have never named him after Nat, he’s already a little trouble maker.”

“Clint, he’s like a month old.” 

“I know! And already getting everything he wants.” He looked at his phone and smiled. “Crafty bastard.” 

“Well if you ever need a back up, give me a call. I think a baby, even a crafty one, would be a welcome break.” I couldn’t hide the exhaustion in my voice, I was honestly too tired to try.

“Fin still keeping you up?” 

“Yes, she hasn’t slept more than a couple hours a night which means I haven't either.”

“Have you tried giving her a bottle? Seeing if she needs burped or something?” He offered sarcastically. He opened his mouth to continue but I stopped him. 

“If you’re about to suggest I check her diaper, you’re more than welcome to try it yourself.”

“No thanks, I like living.”

“Me too, although death is starting to sound REALLY restful so…”

“You want me to leave? I can go for a walk, you can nap in the truck.” He looked around like he was trying to decide which direction to wander off in. I ran my hands over my face. 

“Tempting, but I think when we’re done here I'll head home. She was asleep when I left, maybe she will be for a while...Either way, I don't want her to wake up alone.” He held out a manila envelope and I took it, it felt thicker than I'd expected for a few ID papers and travel documents. 

“I made duplicates, a couple different names, different countries. Everything you need to disappear someone.” He raised his eyebrows in a very ‘Barton’ expression. “Who are you disappearing, by the way? Or should I not know.”

“It’s easier if you don’t. Nothing personal.”

“Understood. Well, I hope this helps your friend, whoever they are.”

‘Thanks.” I hugged him, Clint and I weren’t officially at a hugging point in our professional relationship but I was so relieved to have this taken care of, I sort of forgot myself. He didn’t seem to mind, he wrapped his arms around me and patted my back, his other hand ruffling my hair in a typical ‘dad’ gesture. I pulled away, tucking the folder into the back of my pants and pulling my t-shirt over it. “Go home. Get back to the kids, I'm sure they’ve taken Laura hostage by now.” he put an arm around my shoulder and squeezed one more time. 

“I’ve got the negotiations team on standby.”

“How is Natasha, by the way.”

“She’s adjusting. She feels responsible for Banner leaving, like she didn’t do enough to make him stay.” He shrugged. 

“It’s not on her. No one thinks it is.”

“She does.”

The walk home was long and warm, but quiet. Not that Brooklyn was ever truly quiet, nowhere really was, but it was background noise. The sounds of traffic, people talking as they passed me on the sidewalk, the occasional thrum of construction a few streets over; it was all the familiar sounds of a place I'd called home for years now and the lack of screaming and fighting made it ‘quiet’ as far as I was concerned. I made a few stops on the way, some necessary, some not, trying to procrastinate outside as long as I could. 

Fin wasn’t the only one still having problems with the things Wanda had used against our minds. Tony wouldn’t talk about whatever he saw, only saying that protecting earth from ‘outside forces’ needed to be a priority. I thought we had enough problems without involving the rest of the universe, but if he wanted to take it on, more power to him. I couldn’t tell if Steve was having more trouble with how life was unfolding after Ultron or the vision he’d been shown but he was keeping himself busy either way. Sam said he’d caught him watching the news coverage of Sokovia by himself, sitting in the dark and reading the names of the dead and missing like he was responsible for each and every one of them. I’d wanted to talk to him about that but wasn’t sure how to bring it up without bringing all of it up and we needed to move past it. If he didn’t stop looking at what was lost he would keep proving his vision right. You can’t make a life, a peaceful life, if you hold on to the guilt in your past. 

I think that’s why I was trying so hard to help James, despite wanting him to stay. I knew if he stayed he would be alright, I'd protect him. So would Steve, and he lead the closest thing we had to S.H.I.E.L.D. at this point, but if he wasn’t ready I couldn't force him to stay. He had to do this at his own pace and for him to ever feel safe staying in one place he would need to stop worrying about what’s behind him. If he could do that better alone, without worrying about what me or Steve had to think about it...Well, I'd waited this long already. 

He was standing in the living room when I walked up the steps and it startled me at first. He raised a finger to his lips to shush me before I could say anything, leading me into the kitchen. 

“She’s still out.” he whispered “I hadn’t heard anything in a couple hours so I came down to make sure she was still breathing.” He explained. 

“And?” I was genuinely concerned. 

“She is...or was a few minutes ago.” He smiled. “Go, get some rest while you can. I’ll head back upstairs.” 

“I will, soon, but first things first.” I sat down the bag I'd been holding, pulling the manila envelope out and handing him the rest. His fingers brushed mine as he took it and a familiar warmth ran through me, the wolf inside practically dancing with excitement. I shook it off. 

He looked in the bag, confusion flashing across his face at the contents. I waved him toward the bathroom in the hall. He took the bag and walked quietly, holding his breath as he passed Fin’s room before disappearing into the bathroom typically used by me. I was almost expecting him to put up more of a fight than that, but I couldn’t have him on his IDs looking like every FBI/CIA most wanted photo out there. A clean shave and a haircut could do wonders for one’s anonymity.

I took the rest of the stuff into my room, sorting out the stuff in the envelope into sections. The passports would just need a photo stuck in them but the IDs would need the photo pressed and laminated. I thought to myself that laminate was probably the wrong word but I couldn't think of the right one at the moment, the important thing was that I knew how to do it and as long as the blanks Clint had gotten were accurate enough my quick and dirty seal job would be overlooked as normal wear and tear. I dug through the top of my closet, there was a box somewhere in there with everything I needed and I was 98% sure it was in here. I saw it, a black cardboard box with a lid and no label. I stood on my toes, fingertips brushing the lid as I tried to pull it closer...just a little bit more...almost…

*Click* My heart skipped as the sound of Fin’s bedroom door opening caught my ears. Shit. 

I grabbed clothes from my dresser without looking and booked it into the hall. She was walking in the direction of the spare bath and I took a couple of extra long strides to catch up with her. 

“Hey.” I said it softly to get her attention, hoping for the first time that she was actually sleepwalking. No such luck. 

“Are you okay?” She asked groggily, it was the first time she’d asked me that since we’d gotten back and I choked a little at the thought. “I heard the shower and…”

“Yeah, I'm okay.” I smiled gently. “Just going to take a quick shower and lay down for a bit. You okay?”

“Been better.” 

“You got some sleep though, that’s good.” I pressed, hoping she’d give me something, when she didn’t my only thought was getting her away from the bathroom. “Are you hungry? I went shopping.”

“Maybe.” She looked toward the kitchen, considering it. 

“Ok, well...I’m going to go.” I stepped toward the bathroom. “I’ll come check on you in a bit.” 

She nodded but as I walked slowly toward the bathroom, she followed. 

“What are you doing, Fin.” I asked, trying to keep my voice level but hoping I was speaking loud enough for James to hear. 

“I...was going to go with you.” She said shyly, it wasn’t unusual for her to follow me into the bathroom and my calling her out on it had thrown her off. “Sorry, I can...not.” Shit, she was finally talking to me and I was shutting her down. 

“No, no. It’s fine if you want to talk, I can turn the water off and meet you in the kitchen, make some tea. Whatever you want.”

“Ok.” She looked between me and the kitchen again. “I’ll start the tea.”

I exhaled as she walked down the hall, thanking whatever god was listening for that miracle as I cracked open the door. He was in the shower and I whispered apologies as I squeezed in, tossing his clothes into the cabinet under the sink. Before I could ask him to cut the water I heard Fin on the other side of the door. 

“I can’t find the tea.” She let herself in, putting the toilet lid down before taking a seat. “Take a shower, I’ll order in. Chinese?” She pulled out her phone, scrolling through her options. 

I stood with my mouth open while my brain ran through the options. Run her out of the room? No, I can't push her away when she’s finally talking to me again. Get in the shower? Yeah, sure Elena. Just take off all your clothes and hop on in there with James. In another life, maybe. 

“Or not?” She asked, perplexed. I’d left her waiting for a response too long. I reached into the curtain, not bothering to look as I hoped he was standing on the other end of the tub. I turned the water off quickly and pulled Fin to her feet. 

“Come on, I'll find the tea, you order the chinese.” 

We were out of tea but once the chinese food arrived I convinced her to take our little pity party onto the roof, holding up the bag of marshmallows I’d found in my search for tea. We took the food, marshmallows, and other snacks up the fire escape. I walked a little louder than necessary, hopefully letting James know we were out of the apartment so he could finish showering. Fin grabbed what was left of Thor’s honey mead from the cabinet as we walked past and I wondered if that was how she’d managed to sleep all day. If that was the case we’d need to have a long talk about substance abuse not fixing the problem but I REALLY wasn’t up for that right now. Instead I resigned myself to drinking with her, lighting the small fire pit to properly cook s’mores. She kept looking at me like she wanted to ask a question, or say something, but she never managed to get it out. I didn’t pry, this was progress and if she wasn’t ready, I wouldn’t push her. We both earn a break from reality for a little while. 


	2. Save Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Bucky - 01:26 June 5th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

_Save Me - The scars heal in time_

It had been a few peaceful days in the apartment. I was still getting used to having short hair, I'd done a hack job on my own but Elena had been impressed with the job of it, I just didn’t point out that I'd wanted to keep it a few inches longer than it was now. She’d taken my picture and said something about what she needed to do to finish them but she kept yawning and I'd sent her to bed. Since then both women had been walking on eggshells trying to let the other sleep, unfortunately that courtesy did not extend to me. I rolled my head into my pillow as the now familiar sounds of loud music, fists hitting a heavy bag, and angry german wafted into the hangar. 

I couldn’t take it anymore. I walked down the spiral stairs and into the gym, not hesitating as I approached the mat. Before I could say anything to get her attention Fin’s entire upper body swung in my direction, fist first. I caught her hand in the air and her posture relaxed some when she saw me, still poised to fight if necessary but not actively attacking me. She looked me over appraisingly for a moment, eyes coming back to mine. 

“Bucky.” Her tone was matter of fact, no hint of surprise as she added. “You shouldn’t sneak up on people. It’s not nice.”

“I wasn’t trying to sneak, I’m surprised you can hear anything over this.” He gestures around them. 

“That’s kind of the point.” She hits the bag beside her half-heartedly. 

“I thought the point was to keep Elena from hearing what you’re doing down here.” I tried to find the least aggressive posture to stand in, resisting the urge to cross my arms in front of me as I let go of her fist.

“What do you know about what I’m doing here.” She hit the bag harder. 

[I know more than you want me to]

“Ich weiß mehr als du willst” I shrugged. 

“You’ve been watching me?” She lunged toward me, stopping short of actually making physical contact. 

“No. Elena’s been hiding me upstairs and, while the living quarters might be soundproofed enough, there is no sound break between this and the hangar. It all echo’s straight up.”

“Well I’d apologize for not being a more courteous host but I didn’t know I had company.” I couldn’t tell if she was mad that I was here or mad that she didn’t know about it but I did know the arrangement she’d made with Elena regarding me. 

“You didn’t ask.” Her eyebrows rose at his comment. “Yeah, she told me that you didn’t want to know...and that she didn’t like hiding things from you.”

“I know the feeling.” Fin goes back to punching the bag, not looking at me anymore.

“Then why don’t you talk to her.” I knew Elena had tried, she lamented over their lack of real conversation while she took my pictures and I tried to sympathize. Unfortunately when it came to sharing, I was more in Fin’s camp than Elena’s. 

“Why don’t you talk to Steve?” She countered, echoing my thoughts. 

“I can’t.” he exhaled. “I’m not who I was when he knew me.”

“So? You literally tried to kill him not that long ago and he still wants to find you to make sure you’re alright.” She hit the bag harder. “And Elena would make him understand.”

“So what’s your excuse then?” he asked, “You won’t talk to Elena and she said you aren’t talking to Steve either. She said you told him to leave you alone.”

“Not that it’s your business. I’m not worried about the things I remember making them not like me. They’re good people and they already like me, and while I appreciate that part of their character, I also know that they feel things for other people in a way I'll never understand. If I tell them...I can’t stand the thought of their faces when I tell her that my father tortured me when I was too young to know what torture was.” She didn’t look back at me as she continued to speak. “Can you imagine the pity in their eyes if I told them I watched my father kill my mother when I was 2? That for my 4th birthday he gave me a pet rabbit, only to lock me in a room alone with it a couple years later to see if I would eat it or let myself starve to death? Can you imagine what they’d think if I told her I’d killed more men by the time I was nine that I have in an entire career at S.H.I.E.L.D?”

“She knows who your father was?” I asked, I couldn’t help but think if she did, she would also know what he was capable of. Fin stopped hitting the bag long enough to look over her shoulder at me and ask. 

“Did she tell you?” 

“No. She just said he was an asshole.” That got an awkward laugh from her and she started unwrapping her hands, giving up on the heavy bag. 

“You met him, you know. My father.” She turned to face me. 

“I did?” I knew I’d forgotten a lot of things, but I was remembering a lot these days too. 

“You met me too...a long time ago.” She looked beyond me, as though she were looking directly into the past as she spoke. “32557038. Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes… You asked me if I was real.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t either until a few weeks ago.” She sat on the mat, rolling up her hand wraps as she continued. I sat opposite her, a few feet away to stay out of her personal bubble. “Do you remember Johann Schmidt?”

“Redskull?” The name rang a bell, unfortunately.

“That’s the guy.” She shrugged and I felt like I was missing something. I felt stupid when it hit me. 

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Somebody actually fucked that guy?” I was trying to lighten the mood and it must have worked a little because the corner of her mouth twitched up in a smile.

“He had a face before he was the redskull you know.”

“Yeah, but you’d have to get past that personality.” he saw her face change and stopped. “Sorry, I didn't mean to imply…”

“That my mother had questionable taste in men? Don’t worry about it, she worked for Hitler so I think that’s established fact at this point...Although, I like to think Schmidt had some redeeming qualities before becoming what he was. I don’t know if it’s true, but she had to have seen something in him worthy of love. Something more than a monster.”

“Is that what you’re worried about? That he made you a monster like him?” The way she’d emphasized the word ‘monster’ when it left her mouth was like it was leaving a foul taste behind and it said a lot about the things she didn’t want to say.

“He said he did. He said I was his perfect monster.” She ran her hands up her arms, rubbing at something I couldn’t see. 

“That’s not true.”

“How would you know?” She laughed again, the ridiculousness of having this conversation with me, of all people, tickling her somehow. 

“Because you’re here, crying in a basement to protect your friends from what you’re afraid you might be.” She looked me straight in the eyes for the first time since we started talking, getting to her feet before responding. 

“You’re right, if I was a monster I'd be hiding in someone’s attic refusing to let my best friend know I remembered who he was. Or is thinking you might be a monster not part of your problem.” She walked away, leaving me feeling punched in the gut without having taken a hit, but I pulled myself together before she disappeared entirely. 

“Why are you telling me any of this.” She stopped at the base of the stairs. “Why me and not them.” I watched her shoulders tense and straighten before she answered, not bothering to turn around. 

“Because I don’t know you enough to care what you think of me.”

She started walking and I let her go, I didn't need to ask her to elaborate, I understood. She was talking to me because I didn’t matter to her, she wasn’t worried about me getting hurt.

  
  


**[Steve - 07:14 June 11th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

“Hey man, there you are.” Sam jogged up beside me, I slowed down so he could keep pace. “What are you doing out here?” He looked at the nothing around us, the edges of the compound property consisted of mostly woods. Tony had put in an invisible fence before he started building, I was glad to have the added security and the trees that had been cleared to install the underground sensors left a nice dirt path. I’m sure I was setting off every sensor as I ran past, which would explain how Sam found me, but it was the only place I could run without being surrounded by recruits. 

“I wanted to clear my head. What’s up, everything alright?” I’d been running laps around the perimeter for an hour, I didn’t expect to be missed and him coming to find me had me worried. 

“Yeah, just looking for you.” We ran in silence for a couple laps, I could tell he was waiting for me to ask what he wanted but I’d come out here to not have to talk to anyone. Eventually he got tired of running and spat it out. “Okay, okay.” He threw his hands up and we slowed to a stop, he leaned over on his knees as he caught his breath. I’d been gaining speed with every lap and was pleasantly surprised that he’d been able to keep up as long as he had. 

“What is it, Sam?” I waited, hands on my hips. I was ready to get back to my morning, trying to outrun the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone. 

“It’s Thursday.” 

“And?”

“I’m driving into town, I wanted to see if you wanted to ride along.”

“Sure.” It had been awhile since I’d been off the grounds and a change of scenery sounded nice. “Where to?” 

“Well, since I came out here I haven't been able to make it into D.C. as much, so I got ahold of a friend of mine that runs meetings in New York. He said he’d be happy for the help.”

“And that’s all we’re going for, to help?” I kept my voice flat. 

“Yeah, you know. I’ll run the group, you help set up chairs...make coffee.” he smiled. “If you decide you have something to say, I won't stop you but you know.” He trailed off.

“What time are we leaving.” I exhaled, resigning myself to whatever fate Sam had in store. Something told me if I didn't go with him to the meeting he was going to keep asking until I did. It wasn’t a complaint, I knew he meant well...and that he was probably right. I couldn’t keep sulking around here, waiting for something to change. 

* * *

**[Fin - 1941]**

_When her father returned he wasn’t alone, the massive vehicles Zola had built for him now carried hundreds of men. She watched from the balcony as soldiers in all kinds of uniforms were ushered into cages. She could make out a few words being shouted, a tall man in a bowler hat was particularly adept at being heard above the crowd. She expected him to be angry, cursing her father’s soldiers and threatening them, but instead he was encouraging his allies. The girl didn’t know what to make of that._

_Over the next months the girl sat and watched a parade of men come through Zola’s lab. The ones that cooperated were fed and given what Zola called ‘vaccines’, they would not be taken back to the cells and would receive repeat treatments as long as they didn’t fight. Those that fought...some of them were able to be restrained thanks to their malnourished states, but the ones that were too unruly were left for the child to practice her lessons on. None of them expected the little girl to be here, let alone attack them. Most were dead before they realized she was a threat. She rarely got to interact with anyone she wasn’t going to kill so it was a surprise when Zola invited her into his lab to keep an eye on his latest lab rat._

_“Er ist unter Drogen gesetzt. Beobachte ihn.” Zola started down the metal stairs, clanging with every step. The girl crept into the dim room where the soldier was strapped to a medical table. The insignia on his uniform told her he was American, the serial number he was muttering confirmed it._

_“32...557...038. Sgt...Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes.” He muttered. Zola had been teaching her what the American’s numbers meant, since that’s all they ever seemed to tell them. The first number being a 3 meant this man didn’t volunteer to be here. The American government made him fight for them. She knew that feeling. As she looked him over she realized she had a lot she could sympathize with this man about, she knew what it was like to be strapped to that table too. “Hey!”_

_His exclamation caught her off guard and she jumped. She thought she heard him laugh at her but she couldn’t be sure it wasn’t his sedative wearing off. She walked towards the head of the table, careful not to be close enough for him to grab her if he’d slipped out of a restraint._

_“Hey.” He said again, his eyes were dilated and he was having trouble focusing on her as he whispered. “Hey. Are you real?”_

_“Should I not be?” She whispered back in english, cocking her head to one side like a puppy who wasn’t sure what it was hearing._

_“No. You wouldn’t be here if you were.” he closed his eyes._

_“Why not?” She asked, watching the door. She was supposed to be making sure the man didn’t cause trouble, not making conversation. He smiled at her question but kept his eyes closed._

_“You’re a little girl!” He laughed. “You should be playing with dolls, safe and away from here...far away...far far…” His voice trailed off as he fell back to sleep and she heard the sound of heavy footsteps coming toward them._

_“Ah! Fenrisulfr! I’m glad you are here.” Her father announced as he entered, some of his masked soldiers were on his heels, a large crate between them._

_“Father.” She acknowledged him and watched Dr. Zola squeeze back into the room, not bothering to look at her. “What would you ask of me?” She offered when no instruction came. She felt very in the way, just standing in the small brick room that was serving as an experiment chamber._

_“Doctor Zola has told me how much help you’ve been to him so I put him in charge of a very special project for you.” Her father smiled, the expression not sitting right on the false face that covered his real one. The mask Zola had made was realistic enough to fool anyone who’d never seen his real face, but once you saw the truth you noticed the cracks in the lie._

_“What is it?” The men who’d followed her father into the room sat the large crate along the wall under a window, in the dim light she could see her name painted across the top in stenciled letters. Her father gestured for her to go look. The lid was nailed on but it didn’t keep her from prying it off, she heard an impressed huff from Zola. “It’s empty.”_

_“Not for long.” When her father spoke he was right behind her, she felt the needle pierce her skin and a coldness spread from it’s tip and slowly coating her insides. She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out._

  
  


**[Bucky - 22:35 June 11th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

_Monsters - Shinedown_

_“32-557-038...Sgt. James...Barnes.” I kept forcing the words out of my mouth through the haze of semi-consciousness. I wasn’t sure what was happening, my best guess was some messed up german experimentation, but it felt a lot like I imagined electroshock therapy would. The shocks had stopped while the little bespectacled fellow administering them took a break to talk to the man in charge, but the drugs they’d given me still had my head spinning. I could have sworn there was a little girl standing in the corner, her head tilted at me when I addressed her. “Are you real?”_

_Before I could blink I was on my feet, a shield that wasn’t mine strapped to my arm as I leveled my pistol across the top. I took aim as I was hit by a blast that I hadn’t steadied myself against. The force flung me across the train car, I lost my grip on the shield and grabbed at anything in reach as I fell. The side of the train had been ripped open like a can of sardines and the bar I'd managed to grab wasn’t going to hold for long._

_“Bucky! Hang on!” Steve tried to reach me, but even as he climbed out onto the rails I knew it was too far. “Grab my hand!” I tried to reach him, tried to hope that I could hang on, but I felt the metal break in my hand as I fell._

The sensation of falling jolted me awake. I ran a hand through my hair, forgetting for a moment how short it was now and remembered it was how I'd looked when those dreams had been real. The realization sent a shiver through me. I tried to lay back down but every time I closed my eyes I was right back in my nightmare. After about an hour lying awake in the dark I heard Fin coming through the door to the stairwell and was almost relieved for the distraction. I expected her to make her way to the gym like she normally did but the footfalls came closer instead. I waited for Elena to crest the stairs but I was right, it had been Fin. She had a bowl of popcorn and a pack of glass bottle Cokes, as well as some boxes I couldn't identify, as she walked in and saw me awake. I threw a pillow onto the floor beside my makeshift bed, an invitation to make herself at home. It was her home after all. 

  
  


**[Fin - 23:58 June 11th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

Over the last week I'd started to notice things that I had been too distracted to put together before. Extra dishes in the sink, clothes in the laundry that weren’t mine or Elena’s, the occasional thump from the hangar that I' d been ignoring until now. I thought about telling Elena that I knew he was up there, it would have been the nice thing to do, but I had been the one that asked her to hide this from me in the first place. Instead, I pretended not to notice when she took leftovers into the stairwell, or when the shower was running and she wasn’t in it. That one had made me giggle when I'd put it together and I wondered if she would have actually gotten in the shower with him to keep me from finding out, had I pressed the issue before. 

When I asked Bucky about telling her he’d left it up to me, saying if she asked him outright if I knew that he would tell her the truth, but he wasn’t going to say anything if I didn't. Apparently Elena was stressed out about me knowing he was here and he wasn’t sure me finding out would necessarily help the situation. I decided, in lieu of telling her, I would try harder to let her get some sleep while I found a new way to cope with my newfound past. 

“You didn’t want to kill anybody, right? Hydra had you mind controlled, you couldn’t have stopped if you tried.” This was the third night in the last week I’d talked to Bucky. The first had been a surprise, the second he’d come down to the gym eventually, but tonight I hadn’t even waited for him to come down. I’d gone straight up to the hangar with questions ready, although I hadn't come empty handed. 

“I didn’t. I didn't even want to join the army. I was drafted... I lied to Steve about it when I got orders. I think he thought I was leaving him behind.”

“I wanted to...” I said with a shug, taking another handful of popcorn. “ Kill them, I mean. Not at first, I was scared...always scared. But I didn’t want them to hurt me, so I hurt them first.”

“That’s not the same as wanting to kill them. Self defense and murder are two different things.”

“Both leave someone dead.” I pointed out. “My father wanted me to kill them, trained me to kill them. I told him I didn't want to and he put me in a position where he knew I would.”

“I killed a man with a screwdriver once.” His eyes glazed over as he spoke, reliving it as he sipped one of the glass bottles I'd brought up. I wasn’t sure why he was telling me, maybe to give me some perspective? “I pushed it through his eye and left him on the sidewalk for someone to find. Do you know why?”

“No.”

“Because the person in charge handed me that screwdriver, pointed to that man, and told me to comply. Nothing more than that.” He looked me in the eye, catching the shiver that went through me at the word ‘comply’. Unfortunately, it had been a word I was all too familiar with now. 

“Shit...” I took a deep breath followed by a swig of cola before exhaling slowly as I told him, “I garroted a man with a ballet tutu when I was 8.”

“Shit...” He echoed my previous statement. “You shouldn’t have been killing people. You should have been safe far away from that place, not left with Zola.”

“You remembered?” I smiled. 

“Not exactly, when you mentioned it I knew I hadn’t seen your face before but redskull... I always thought I' d been hallucinating, it didn’t make sense for there to be a kid there and it was always fuzzy because of whatever drugs Zola had me under. I thought I was seeing my kid sister in my head or something.”

“Nope, just little old me...er, young me. Zola was a kind of...babysitter.”

“It’s honestly a miracle you aren’t more fucked up.” He took another drink, trying to hide his grin as I threw popcorn at him. 

“I think I might be more messed up than I know.” I added. I tried to keep the tone light and failed. I hadn’t let myself think too hard about what parts of my memories meant but I knew there were some things I needed to find out. I’d wanted to ask Elena, I was pretty sure she’d be able to confirm my suspicion, but every time I tried... I couldn’t get the words out.

“Planning to elaborate on that, or are we leaving it there?” He asked, no pressure to go either way. I thought about it for a long time, asking him to help. I’d been running the options in my head for days and every one that I did alone had the possibility of ending badly, to say the least. It would be easier with another set of hands but I couldn’t ask him to help. 

“Leave it.” I sighed and got up, taking our empty bottles and the popcorn bowl to the steps with me. I stopped at the top step and turned back to look at him. “There is something else, something more...current...” he didn’t ask, just waited for me to go on. I started to reconsider but it needed to be said, I needed to see his reaction. 

“She loves you. She thinks you can’t handle it, that it will scare you.” I blurted.

“I know. And it does...scare me.” I watched his face, trying to read anything there to tell me he didn’t feel the same. No such luck. I would have never considered myself an expert on the subject of feelings, but there’s no missing the look of heartbreak in someone’s eyes. I saw it every time Elena talked about the man in Wakanda. 

“It scares me too.” I admitted. “It scares me that if you asked, she might pick you...over me.” I didn’t wait for him to respond, it was easier not knowing. 

  
  


**[Bucky - 03:37 June 12th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

I’d just fallen asleep when I heard footsteps creeping up the metal stairs. At first I thought Fin had forgotten something but I saw Elena’s blonde hair crest the landing. I didn’t have a chance to ask what was wrong. 

“She left.” She sounded half asleep and confused, I realized she was probably both. 

“Fin?” I clarified, knowing full well who she meant. She nodded and sat on the pillow where Fin had been less than an hour ago. I wondered what she would think if I told her Fin had been talking to me, that Fin knew I was here and didn’t seem to mind. I wanted to know how she would feel to learn that Fin had asked me to keep all of it from her. 

“I don’t know where she is going. She got dressed and left, she must have called a car because I heard her get into one.” She yawned. 

“Maybe she is going to find Steve, kiss and make up.” I suggested hopefully. I didn’t think that was the case, but I couldn't think of anywhere else she might go. 

“I don’t think so, she is still barely talking to me... I don’t think she’s ready to talk to him.”

“Do you think she’ll be okay by herself?” 

“Normally, yeah I wouldn’t think twice about it but…” She let out a long exhale, her shoulders slumping as she leaned back against the metal wall. “I don’t know. I know she’ll get past this if she lets herself but she’s too busy being angry and scared to see that far ahead.”

“Well, if it helps, she seems to be getting better.” I laid a hand on her shoulder and Elena’s eyebrows raised in question. “There’s a lot less crying and screaming when she comes down here. She’s wearing herself out to sleep but she’s not...she’s less...concerning, than she was initially.”

“I just wish she would talk to someone.” 

“She will, when she’s ready.” I leaned forward, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her close. I expected her to pull away after a moment but she didn’t so I held her there. “You make sure you’re taking care of yourself, worrying about the things you can’t change aren’t going to help you sleep either.”

“I can’t help it. It’s my job to make sure my teammates are alright, and none of them seem to be these days.“

“None of them are here. You aren’t on a mission.” I leaned back, motioning her to sit in front of me. “Here, take a break.” She eyed me dubiously before shifting to sit on the floor between my knees, her back to me. I pushed her hair off her shoulders, letting it run through my fingers as I slid it to one side of her neck. I ran my left hand up her spine and she jumped as it touched her skin at her collar. ”Sorry, cold.” I rushed to apologize.

“It’s alright.” She took my hand over her shoulder, holding it between her’s, warming it. I kept my other hand moving, tracing circles up and down her spine, stopping to massage her shoulders when I reached them. She sighed and released my hand to join it’s partner and I gently worked at the tension in her muscles, taking extra effort to meter my strength. 

As she relaxed she leaned towards me, I caught her against my chest and let her stay there as I kept my hands moving up and down her arms in soothing touches that occasionally wandered to her bare throat. I felt her pulse under my fingertips, an excited thrum in contrast to her languid posture. 

“Better?” I saw goosebumps rise on her skin, I was close enough for her to feel my breath when I spoke. She wriggled against me as a soft ‘mhmm’ answered the question, the image of her changing on valentine’s day popped into my mind and I wondered if all her undergarments were so decorative. She didn’t open her eyes and I couldn’t help the chuckle that bubbled in my chest at her response. 

“Are you laughing at me?” She whispered, peaking at me through her lashes with one eye. 

“Yes” I smiled as she turned to face me, getting to her knees. From a sitting position it almost made her tall enough to look down at me, almost. 

“It’s not nice to laugh at the sleep deprived!” She grabbed the front of my shirt in her hands, a wicked grin on her face. “They might snap.” I think she was trying to sound threatening, and the way her canine showed when she spoke it would probably work on most people, but I was having a hard time getting past the overall picture of this petite woman leaning over me.

“Oh?” my eyebrows rose in feigned terror before I winked at her. “I think I'd be alright.”

“Is that so?” 

“Mhmm” I mimicked her sound of content agreement from before, taking both her hands in mine before letting them trace up her arms from wrist to her shoulders. Her eyes closed again and took a deep breath that caused her chest to rise and fall between us. Yeah, I looked. Sue me. 

“I should…” Her hands let go of my shirt and her voice trailed off as I traced her soft jawline, her head tilting up on response. I knew she was trying to tell herself to go, that we shouldn’t be doing this, not here, not now. It’s what most of the voices in my head were telling me too, but I didn’t want to stop. I took her face in my hands and pulled her closer. 

“You should.” I wasn’t holding her, if she wanted to go all she needed to do was stand up and walk away. I wouldn’t stop her. She didn’t open her eyes, she didn’t move away. When her lips touched mine it sparked more in me than just the rush of a beautiful woman’s affection. My mind flashed with new memories. Elena in a truck, me crushing the door so she couldn’t risk herself for me. Her begging me to come with her. I wasn’t sure what it meant, she’d told me that I'd known her before but that had been in Africa, this was not any part of Africa that I recognized. 


	3. You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Fin - 04:02 June 12th, 2015 - STARK TOWER]**

I stood outside the door, unsure how to proceed. Did I knock? That felt weird, having stayed so long but after everything...Tony had pretty much opted out of the team. 

“Agent Finlay?” A female voice said my name and I looked around for the source but saw no one. “Do you want me to let Tony know you’re here or are you just going to loiter all morning?” 

“I’d hate to wake him.” I answered the voice, realizing she must be the jarvis replacement. What had Tony called her? “Friday?”

“Yes?” 

“Can you ask if I can come in? I can help myself, he doesn’t have to wake up.” I didn’t care that much if I woke him but I didn’t want him feeling the need to ‘help’. 

“He hasn’t been to bed, but I'll let him know. Can I tell him what you’re here for?” 

“I just wanted to use the lab, if that’s ok.”

“I’ll let him know, one sec.” I stood in the light of dawn, waiting for Friday to tell me to go away or for the door to open but instead I heard Tony over the speaker. 

“Fin?” 

“Yeah?”

“Oh, it actually is you. Friday said…” He sounded distracted. “You need to use the lab?”

“Yes. I need to...look into something.”

“Can’t you have Elena check it out?” His voice sounded interested all the sudden. “Is this a secret? Are you pregnant?” 

“Tony.” I interrupted but he didn’t hear me. 

“...Cause if you’re pregnant, I' m not sure that’s something I can keep from the father…”

“Tony...” I was starting to wonder why I ever thought this was a good idea. 

“...Steve IS the father, right? Or did you get tired of waiting for grandpa to fu--”

“TONY!” I yelled. He finally shut up and I took a few deep breaths before calmly asking. “May I come in and use the lab. Please.”

“Uh...Yeah. Don’t mind the mess, I'm working on...something.”

“Good, keep working on it. Friday is all the help I need.” The doors opened and I walked in, still talking to him over the speakers as I made my way up. 

“Ok...if you do need something.”

“I won’t.”

“If you do.” He offered. He sounded sincere, and tired, and I wondered what exactly Tony had been dealing with since we’d gotten home. 

“Thank you, Tony.” Friday let me in and Tony’s voice came over the speakers once more. 

“Actually...I could use you, if you’re up for it.” He sounded hesitant. “If your thing can’t wait, it’s fine.”

“I can help. Where are you?” I stepped into the elevator. 

“Friday, bring her to the workshop.”

  
  


**[Elena - 04:12 June 12th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

_You - Greta Isaac_

“I should…” I should stop before I did something I might regret. What was I doing? I let go of him, planning to get away, to make the right choice. The right choice...what was right about it? We weren’t doing anything wrong. His hands touched my face and I leaned into it, god just touching him was driving me crazy. The human part of me was throwing out every doubt it could think of. ‘He’s leaving’,’Doesn’t remember you’,’It’s going to be like last time’. All of those thoughts tried to rise to the surface but none were louder than the wolf in me howling ‘MATE’. It was an awkward word in human terms, and not a concept I often discussed with civilized people, but there it was. The word I'd associated with this man since I met him in Wakanda, there wasn’t another term for it. It made no sense, logically. It had been years, any other person would have moved on, but I couldn’t. He was the one I wanted, both sides of me, and he was the only one I would have. I wanted to have him. 

“You should.” He whispered, the quiet words agreeing to whatever I was about to say. His hand stayed on my cheek, holding my face close to his and I could feel the heat of his breath mingling with mine. My brain was a fog of sleep deprivation and the inexplicable biological need to be touching him, nothing else was registering at the moment. I needed to get up, I needed to walk away from the situation...but I wanted to stay. I wanted it to be like it was before…

I closed the gap between us, letting his lips brush mine. I expected him to pull away, instead his hand moved to the back of my head and pulled me closer. Our mouths moved against each other, his tongue brushing against my lips. His hands moved to my waist, pulling me down onto his lap before leaning me back onto the makeshift mattress. I wrapped my arms around his neck, not wanting to break the kiss as we moved. The weight of him on top of me was familiar, comforting. The air in the hangar was cooler than the stuffy camper in Wakanda but otherwise it was like we’d never left. 

His mouth left mine as he moved his lips to my neck, leaving a trail of kisses to my shoulder. His fingers went to my belt, fumbling with the clasp, and I caught his hand in mine. A moment of clarity through the cloud of lust, a realization hitting me like cold water. The reason he was leaving, the reason I was helping him leave, was because he needed to remember who he was. I wanted this with James, I couldn't argue that, but I didn't want this if I was nothing more than a kind stranger to him in this moment. 

“Stop.” I breathed, he lifted his head to look at me, his pupils dilated with desire.

“Why?” His breath was heavy and his voice rumbled low in his chest as he spoke. “You want this.”

“I do.” I kissed him, savoring a brief moment of weakness before pulling myself away again. “I want this, I want you.”

“Then why are we stopping?” He started to pull my face to his again and I spoke softly against his lips. 

“I need to ask you something first.”

“Anything.” His voice was rough, he chewed his bottom lip as he waited for me to speak again, I almost lost my train of thought. 

“You used to call me something, something other than my name. What was it?” I held my breath. If he didn’t remember the name, he probably didn’t remember what I was...let alone who he was to me. His brows furrowed as he tried to pull the information. 

“I don’t…” He sat up. Letting me get to my feet. 

“It’s alright if you don’t, I just don’t want this until you do.” I leaned over and kissed him on the top of the head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I broke our contact and turned to walk away, hearing his voice call softly as I moved down the steps “Good night, Elena.” It was almost enough to make me turn around, to go back up the stairs and throw myself at him...almost. 

  
  


**[Fin - 04:42 June 12th, 2015 - STARK TOWER]**

_Panic Room - Au/Ra_

“What is this, Tony?” The room was a mess, wires strung from corner to corner, hanging from the ceiling. Tony had a cold pack on his head and watched me as I stepped carefully over what seemed to be random debris strewn across the floor.

“I’ve been working on a thing...I can’t get things out of my head so I’m trying to get inside with them.” He swatted at some of the hanging pieces of the apparatus. “It’s a sort of augmented reality that taps into your own subconscious, letting you revisit past moments…”

“Tony…” I wasn’t sure I liked the sound of that but I understood why he was trying it. It was a very Tony thing to try to use tech to fix the problem and I wasn’t exactly in a position to tell him a healthier way to cope, given why I’d come to the tower in the first place. 

“I know, I know.” He looked at me. “Want to give it a shot?” 

“Definitely not.” I’d spent enough time in my own head the last few days. 

“You sure? Maybe you could find whatever answer you were wanting to look for in the lab.” he offered. I felt my shoulders rise with tension as I went on the defense.

“Is it going to tell me anything I don’t already know?” 

“Maybe?” he shrugged. “I’ve figured out how to look at my own memories from different angles. It’s given me a new perspective, to say the least, but it’s also given me a hell of a feedback headache.”

“So you want me to be a guinea pig so you don’t have to.” I guessed. 

“Would you? I can’t quantify results with only 1 variable.”

“Will you be able to see what i see?” I didn’t need Tony to see what was in my head.

“No. And i haven’t figured out how to record or anything yet so you’re safe there.”

“If I agree to do this, will you do something for me?” I asked. It was really the only motivation I had to agree to do this. 

“Sure.”

“Whatever I do in the lab. Ignore it. Pretend i wasn’t even here.” He looked at me blankly, the muscle in his jaw twitching as he bit back the question about what I had actually come here for. 

“Deal.” He got to his feet. “Let’s get you strapped in.”

**[Fin]**

_I stood in the corner of a familiar room, looking down at my own body. It was a version of me I barely recognized, small and frail, splayed open under the gloved hands of Johann Schmitt. I’d seen myself in a similar situation before, the memory of Strucker’s mirror hanging above me tickled my brain but Tony’s machine kept me here, with my child self in the same situation._

_“Don’t move.” My father’s voice was gruff and serious, his hands clenching around the shiny metal implements as he worked. I leaned over his shoulder to watch him work, trying to detach myself from the girl on the table. He moved organs, weaving a thick thread through tissue and I wished I had more knowledge of anatomy beyond the best places to put a knife if I wanted to kill someone._

_“Please, it hurts. Please can we stop?” The girl on the table cried, the weakness in her voice sending chills up my spine._

_“When I am done you will be the perfect weapon, Schatz.” he crooned, his voice calmer now that the girl had stopped squirming. I kept watching him work, trying to see exactly what he was doing but only coming up with more questions than the one I’d come to answer._

I’d ripped the electrodes off my head to escape the memory, thankful for the ability to do so. 

“Are you ok?” Tony asked, picking up the wires as fast as I threw them to the ground. 

“It works. Congratulations.” I left the shop without saying more, hoping it was enough for Tony. When he didn’t follow me to the lab I assumed he was satisfied. 

  
  


**[Fin - 05:57 June 12th, 2015 - STARK TOWER]**

Tony didn’t say anything else and I made my way to the lab. When I walked in I had the overwhelming feeling of familiarity, but at the same time I felt so out of place here. I sat at one of the terminals and started looking at the resources at my disposal. 

“Ok Friday, this stays between you and me, alright?” I pulled the USB from my pocket, it was a simple encryption program that Tony could probably beat in his sleep, but I was hoping the deterrent was enough to keep his word. Or at least make him feel guilty about breaking his agreement to mind his business. 

“Are we ready?”

“I still think this is a bad plan.” Friday sounded worried, which was funny considering she was a robot and I was the one strapped to a table in my underwear. 

“It’s a great plan because it’s the only plan I've got. And I'm trusting you not to go full Ultron on me, I'd like to leave in the same condition I arrived.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want me to get the boss here too…”

“No, it’s fine.” I readjusted the defibrillator pads stuck to my torso. “We’ve got these and you’ve got that ready, just in case.” I pointed to a syringe filled with adrenaline. 

“Are you sure.” Friday asked once more as I tightened the straps across my body. "We could put you under and I could do this myself, show you when you wake up."

“No. I’m sure, this is the only way.” I tried to slow my breathing as I looked between the two monitors above me, one was a camera on my bare torso and the other was a diagram of what a normal human female’s insides should look like. Based on my cursory observations and the visions of my past courtesy of Tony’s newest project I already knew there were some discrepancies but I had to be sure. 

“Can you feel that?” The mechanical arm poked arm poked at my skin, discolored by the brownish orange antiseptic. 

“No.”

“You’re sure?”

“Friday.” I was getting impatient.

“Alright, alright.” The scalpel slid from my navel down, cutting similar perpendicular lines at the top and bottom of the incision before folding the layers of flesh back. Another arm moved across my body, suctioning the blood that concealed my organs. “Scanning now.” I watched the screens, playing spot the difference and doing a poor job of it. 

“Can you overlay the images?”

“Of course, one sec.” The diagram changed into a semi-transparent neon outline before overlaying the live feed of my insides. I was trying to look at it objectively but the voice of Strucker kept whispering in my ear, telling me all of the ways he wanted to take me apart. 

“Are you still doing alright over there?” Friday asked gently.

“Why do you ask?” 

“There was a spike in your heart rate...it’s leveled out now.” She zoomed in on the screens. “There does seem to be a discrepancy here.” 

“Where?” She highlighted the places in question and I saw what she meant. Parts that were labeled on the anatomical chart were missing in me. “Can you check to be sure?”

“I already did, I’m afraid it’s not there...but I did find this.” She moved the camera angle and enhanced the image, I lifted my head off the table trying to look harder but I didn’t see anything at first but as she adjusted the contrast I saw a very inorganic pattern in the exterior, the color matching the thread I’d watched Redskull sew into that little girl on the table. 

“What is it?” 

“I’m not sure. It is registering as organic material, I thought it was scar tissue but it’s cell structure is wrong. It’s not biological. I could ask Tony to…”

“No. I don’t care what it is. Can you take it out?” 

“Not without removing the whole organ, It’s incorporated.”

“That’s what I thought.” I laid my head back and my vision swam, and my vision was going fuzzy at the edges. 

“Maybe Elena could…” Friday suggested. The thought had crossed my mind, she might be able to get whatever the foreign matter was out, she might even be able to repair the damage, but even Elena couldn’t regrow complex organs from nothing. "Fin? Finlay?" Friday's voice called from what seemed like miles away, an echo at the end of an every growing corridor. The harsh sound of beeping warned me of some impending danger before fire ripped through my chest. 

I came back to the lab screaming, still strapped to the metal table. The adrenaline syringe was still sticking out of my chest and twin burns from radiated from the defibrillator panels stuck there. My tongue tasted like hot aluminum foil and blood, my jaw aching from being clenched. 

"Finlay? Are you alright?" Friday whispered over the consistent blip of the heart rate monitor."I thought I lost you there."

“Close it up Friday." I exhaled. "We’re done.”

“Can do.” The machinery moved around me, I could smell my own flesh burning as the incision was cauterized. “Are you sure you're alright?”

“Yeah...I'm okay.” I was, physically. Dizziness and a sore abdomen for a few days were a fair trade for answers, even if I didn’t like the answers I' d gotten...at least now I knew. 


	4. Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor as well as graphic descriptions of medial procedures.

**[Elena - 4:58 June 18th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

“You’re sure he isn’t here?” she was looking around, prepared not to trust the answer i was giving her for the third time this afternoon. 

“I’m sure, He goes with Sam to meetings at the VA on Thursdays.” I was surprised she’d agreed to come with me at all, she’d been closed up in her room for about a week after her mysterious disappearance. It wasn’t as much of a mystery now, Friday had called me to see if Fin had made it home, but she didn’t tell me why Fin had been there. 

“I didn’t realize he was still doing those.”

“Me neither, but apparently he drives into town once a week. It’s a smaller group than he had in D.C. but he’s helping…”

“Stop that.” Fin rolled her eyes.

“What”

“You were wondering why I don’t just talk to Sam, since he has experience talking to people in a psychological capacity but you aren’t asking me for some reason.”

“No I wasn’t” I looked over at her. 

“Okay, I was a little. But I know you don’t want to talk to him because he’s friends with Steve and you are concerned about a conflict of interest.”

“Something like that.” 

“Finlay. Right on time. I’m glad you came.” Vision greeted us and Wanda walked out of the room behind him, keeping a wide berth as she exited. Fin walked past them both and into the private room. I followed Wanda into the kitchen where she stopped at the freezer, retrieving ice cream and two spoons before setting the carton between us.

“Eat.” She handed me a spoon. 

“I’m not hungry.”

“It’s not about being hungry. You are upset, eating is what people do when they are upset.” she put a spoonful in her mouth and shrugged. “It’s not mama’s paprikash but it will do”

“I’m not upset.” I followed her lead, digging into the cookie dough ice cream.

“You are not hungry, you are not upset. You are also not a good liar.”

“Didn’t Clint have a talk with you about reading minds?”

“I’m not reading anything!” she said defensively. “It’s more like...It’s like everyone’s mind is a radio but all I get is static unless I find the right channel. But sometimes the person has it on a channel and the volume is up. It’s hard to ignore.”

“And my volume is up?” 

“Yes, and it’s a very sad channel...Why is this person leaving? Have you not told them that you want them to stay?” I felt my eyes go wide in shock. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me, I’ll go. I just...You love him. It’s hard to lose someone you love.”

“Stay, it’s fine. I’ve lost a lot of people I love already, I'm used to it.”

“You get used to it?”

“No.” I took the spoon from her. “But my lying is improving it seems.”

  
  


**[Fin - 5:01 EDT June 18th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_Monster - She is We_

Talking to Bucky about my concerns regarding anyone else knowing the details of my past had made the thought of sharing it easier. I still didn’t want to tell Elena or Steve, and Sam was qualified but was best friends with Steve. I didn’t want to put him in an awkward position. After a lot of thought I decided on the one person that I would be able to tell without worrying that their feelings towards me might be affected by this new information, I sat across from him now, telling him everything in chronological order as best I could, hoping if he knew the truth he could help me turn off the part of my brain that wouldn’t stop thinking about it. After all, he’d helped me sleep when we left Sokovia, maybe he could help again. 

I started with my mother, I supposed that’s where most people started when they went to therapy but I was just starting with the earliest memory. 

“I’m sitting in her lap and she’s singing to me. I remember the song like it’s still playing in my head...A man in a black SS uniform comes in and she stands to greet him, setting me on the floor. She’s happy to see him, not worried or afraid. He pulls out a gun and shoots her, she falls beside me and I scream and cry. I don't understand why she won’t wake up...I remember leaving little red hand prints on her apron...trying to shake her awake…” I looked up at Vision who was listening intently, he gestured for me to go on. “The man, my father...he picked me up and told me that everything was alright. I remember begging him not to take me from her, calling for her as we left the house...he carried me out into the snow and even as young as I was I knew something was wrong ...Things are less clear after that, but…

  
  


**[Fin - 1938]**

_The concrete room had no windows but she’d earned the privilege of a bed. The bed came with a threadbare sheet, no other blanket or pillow, and metal frame had a shackle welded to it’s corner. She looked at her hand in the cold cuff, moving her fingers in and out of a fist to encourage circulation._

_“Good morning, Fenrisulfr.” Her father greeter her as he always did._

_“Vater.” She moved into a sitting position, waiting for him to uncuff her. When he didn’t, she waited patiently. She’d learned not to question him. He whistled to the hall and the covered woman entered, a small bundle wiggled in her arms. The little girl watched intently, unmoving and unspeaking as a small white bunny was laid on the bed beside her._

_“Don’t you want to pet it?” Her father asked. This was a test. She knew it was a test. She didn’t know what the right answer was so she just nodded. “Go ahead.”_

_She moved her free hand toward the animal, a smile spreading across her face fingertips brushing it’s soft fur._

_“What will you name her?” The question caught her off guard, she’d let the animal distract her. She knew this was a test too...but she knew these kinds of tests. Her father wanted to see how quickly she could come up with an intelligent and creative response. There was no real wrong answer but there were answers he wouldn’t approve of and hesitation to answers was as bad as no answer at all._

_“Esther.” She blurted. Even with the disfiguration of his face she saw the surprise register, she wasn’t sure if he was impressed or disappointed._

_“Why that name?” He sat beside her on the bed, the rabbit between them._

_“She reminds me of the funny little easter bunnies.”_

_“Ah! The cartoon!” He looked down at the animal between them. “So she does. Very good.”_

_Esther became a constant companion in her bedroom as well as her lessons. At first the distraction that comes with the little rabbit earns her more punishment than she’d received in a while, but eventually she adapts. The more adept the little girl becomes with language, dance, fighting, the more complex her lessons become. Speaking multiple languages turns into being able to read and write them as well. She finds writing the harder of the two, her still developing motor skills honed for less tedious work. The ballet evolves into pointe and gymnastics, the covered woman bending her into positions that her body protests as she tries not to cry. Fighting moves beyond basic techniques and sparring and expands into anatomy lessons. Models and charts showing major arteries and the best place to cause pain but not kill are brought in for her advancement. And so she learns. She reads, and writes, and moves and fights, and all the while Esther watches on, nose twitching in quiet disinterest._

**[Fin - 1940]**

_It had been days since anyone had come into her room to uncuff her from her bed. For the first day she’d laid, unmoving, sure that as soon as she tried to get up the covered woman would come into her room and beat her for daring to get up without permission. When the choice was to soil herself or get up, she chose the latter. She would be punished either way. Still cuffed to the bed she managed to move the pan that functioned as her toilet close enough. Business concluded she slipped back into bed, hoping no one noticed the marks the cuff had left on her wrist in her desperation to relieve herself. The second day was the same, no one came. No one uncuffed her, no one beat her for relieving herself without permission. There were no lessons of any kind, nor was there food or water._

_Her stomach protested as she lay in bed, looking for shapes in the inconsistent pattern of the ceiling. At some point in the midst of day two she fell asleep, when she woke she couldn’t be sure how much time had passed. Was it later the same day? The next day? There was no way of knowing for sure. Her throat scratched with dryness and she tried in vain to swallow and quiet the irritation. There was nothing to swallow, she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in at least two days. She looked around the room, the small bowl for Esther had a little water left in it...it would have to do._

_She stretched as far as her bonds would allow, her free hand unable to reach the bowl. She started to scream in frustration but cut herself off. If this was a test it would do her no good to scream, she would only be punished for the unnecessary noise later. Instead she took a deep breath and stretched her foot out toward the bowl. In her impatience she felt some of the water slosh over the rim and onto her foot, Esther hopping beside her leg trying to assess the comotion. When the bowl was finally in reach it took everything she had not to drink it all. She lowered herself onto the floor and took a long, slow sip to quench her immediate discomfort but left the rest. She didn’t know when this test might be over and she would get thirsty again. She spotted some of the uneaten raw vegetables in the rabbit’s corner and her stomach growled. She reached for them and again came up short, the cuff that held her to the bed was an increasing inconvenience. She couldn’t reach, the food was further away than the water had been. She tried to forget about it, she tried to sleep but the pangs of hunger gnawed at her insides. She tried to get free of her shackle, pulling and prying in every way imaginable but it was no use. She couldn’t find anything in the room to pick the lock and she couldn’t budge the cold steel, she would have to find another way._

_She wedged her cuffed hand between the concrete and the metal bed frame, pulling the rest of her body as far from the wall as she could. She bit her lip in anticipation, this would hurt but screaming out would hurt more if her father heard her. She had to do it fast and she had to do it as hard as she could, she knew she wouldn’t have the strength to try twice. Closing her eyes she slammed her weight into the headboard, the sound of the small bones in her right hand breaking nearly disguised by the metal ringing off the stone. She sat on the corner of the mattress, cradling her now unbound hand as she tried to breathe through the agony. She waited for the door to open, for her father or the covered woman to punish her for making noise, for hurting herself, for letting herself out of her restraints. When no one came to stop her she went to the corner where the vegetables sat, partially chewed but mostly uneaten. She winced as she instinctively tried to reach out with her right hand, the bones unable to take the strain of the flexing tendons. She picked up a few radishes that Esther had left alone, the rabbit preferred the leaves to the red bulbs and while the girl wasn’t a fan she was too hungry to be picky. She ate one, setting the other two out of reach of her companion as she picked through what was left._

_The following days passed like deja vu, the deprivation of food and water, on top of the pain of a crushed hand, blurred any coherent concept of time. She’d run out of food and water on what she estimated was day 5, it was day 8 now and her abdomen screamed for something to sustain her. Her body fluctuated between weak, nauseated lethargy and raging stomach cramps that threatened to tear her apart. She gave up trying not to cry but no tears came, there was nothing in her to make them. She watched Esther hop slowly across the floor, the rabbit had been nibbling what was left of her pellet food and the child was irrationally jealous. She’d tried to stomach the pellets as well but they’d made her vomit, and that was water that she couldn’t afford to lose. She looked into the empty water dish in a desperate hope that she’d imagined running out but she knew there was only one way she would live through this._

_She held a hand out to the bunny, small brown pellets cupped in her palm. Esther came, eager to eat and earn a scratch behind her ears. The child obliged her pet, running her injured hand down the small animal's fur. She didn’t have her knives, the covered woman wouldn’t let her take them out of the training room. She wished she’d had her knives. She grabbed Esther by her throat and squeezed, the shrill wail of the panicked animal ringing in her ears. In her shock at the squeal she nearly dropped the rabbit as it struggled, but she managed to hold on. She closed her eyes and tightened her grip until the sound stopped and then she kept squeezing until the rapid thrum of the rabbit’s heart stopped._

_When they opened the door they found the little girl asleep and covered in blood. The lower half of her face and arms had patches of white fur clumps plasted in the red, all that remained of a bunny named Esther._

_“I told you she would eat the кролик before letting herself die, but.” The covered woman crossed her arms. “I am not cleaning her.”_

_“Yes, it seems you were correct, although it should not have taken so long to make that choice. She let herself become desperate before that decision was made.” He tisked in disappointment. “Look what she did to her hand for the sake of a few chewed radishes...all to buy her pet a few days. It is weakness.”_

_“Yes. But is a weakness she will not show again.” He could hear the smugness through the Madame’s veil. ”She leans faster than most of the girls I have been tasked with training. You will be happy with her when I am done.”_

_“Let’s hope so, and if not...well I' ve already told Pchelintsov that he would have you back in one piece. I have no say in how he will choose to deal with you should you fail me.”_

_“I am not concerned. If Dr. Erskine can survive you I have no doubt that I can as well.” She answered flatly._

_“His escape was...unfortunate, but I don’t think you will have the same caliber of allies at your disposal. He would not have escaped without help.” He spoke through gritted teeth and the woman was satisfied that she’d said something to anger him._

_“At least being preoccupied with the doctor gave me the chance to work here without you questioning my every method. I proved that my hypothesis was right, you cannot deny that.” He gave a noncommittal grunt and left her with his daughter. The woman waited for him to leave before she walked to the bedside, pulling a long switch from where it had been kept in her belt. She woke the girl with a THWACK across the child’s injured hand. “You’ve overslept, you missed yesterday’s lessons, and you’re filthy. What do you have to say for yourself.”_

_The girl didn’t answer, merely held her right arm close to defend it from another blow as the implications of the woman’s words went through her mind. Yesterday’s lessons? She’d only missed one day of lessons? She’d only been left alone for one day?._

_“I swear girl, you can’t be left to your own devices for even one minute.” The woman lifted the injured hand to examine it. “We will have this set after you bathe. I expect your lessons to go on as usual, you injuring yourself is no excuse to fall behind._

_“Yes, Madame A.” The child whispered._

_“Alright go. Or have you forgotten how to bathe yourself as well as how to act like a civilized young lady?” She cut through the air with the switch, the sound causing the child to winch without even touching her. “GO!” The girl walked briskly from the room, keeping her head down and her injured limb tucked close as she did._

_Clean, clothed, and bandaged she found her way to the lessons room, unsure what to expect. A dark colored tarp had been laid on the floor and the canvas felt rough under her bare feet. Another canvas covered a large shape in the center of the room, she tried to ignore it while she waited for the madam to instruct her._

_Madame A came in carrying a selection of knives and the girl flexed her bandaged right hand, unsure if she would be able to hold a knife, let alone fight with one. The woman saw the movement and smacked her injured hand._

_“Stop fidgeting.” She took the bandaged hand in hers and pulled it with her as she walked. “You won’t be using that hand today, it’s useless.” She tied the lame hand behind the girl’s back. The girl had never tried to use her left hand to fight. Madame A placed a small push-blade into the girl’s left hand and it slid comfortably between her second and third fingers. The girl had used this blade left handed before, in conjunction with a larger kukri in her right, but never on it’s own._

_“Go. Stand there.” the woman motioned to the center of the room, beside whatever was under the cover. The girl did as she was told and heard a muffled grunt from under the sheet. When the woman pulled away the covering the girl saw a man, his face was pale and his extremities were blue and similar colored bruising covered his face._

_“Who is he?” she asked. The woman shrugged._

_“If you must know. Ask.” she gestured to the man. The girl looked him over, trying to remember what she’d been told about reading a person. She saw a tattoo on his arm that was undoubtedly american and switched to english for his benefit._

_“Who are you?” The man’s eyebrows rose in surprise at having this little girl question him but he did not answer. She took a step forward, expecting reprimand and when none came she asked again. “Who are you?”_

_“Private first class Aldis, 16425972.”_

_“Do you know why you’re here?” Mistaking his learned response as an answer, she asked another question._

_“Private first class Aldis, 16425972.”_

_“Yes. you said that.” The girl wasn’t sure what she was doing in this room with this man and his inability or unwillingness to answer her did nothing to help. The woman saw her hesitation and decided to get on with the lesson, speaking russian now to keep the american from understanding. ._

_“Do you recall you’re anatomy lessons?” The girl nodded in response, adopting a striking stance that would accommodate her left handed jabs. “Until instructed otherwise, do not puncture. Only mark.”_

_“Yes Madam.”_

_“Right Subclavian.” The woman barked, the girl lunged. Only the tip of her blade touched the man’s bare shoulder, it was sharp enough that he never flinched away from the pain but watched in shock as a bead of crimson welled in the place she’d struck. “Axillary.” they repeated the procedure, the woman calling our arteries, brachial, gonadal, vertebral, and the girl marking the best place to access them with the tip of her blade. They moved on to musculature and tendons until she was satisfied with the amount of blood trickling down the american’s skin. The girl’s arm was sore from use, usually not taking the bulk of the exercises so when the woman announced for her to stop holding her punches she was almost too relieved to consider the repercussions._

_“Right common carotid.” The woman instructed and the child struck, the blade slid into the man’s flesh until the girl’s knuckles hit his skin. The girl stepped back as she pulled the blade, arterial spray splattering her face as she stood on the spot before him, waiting for permission to step away. Three minutes passed before the blood stopped pumping. Madame A came to take the knife from her and untie her right arm from her back. She lifted the girls chin to look at her face for any sign of remorse or question and found none. “You’re done. Go have another bath and back to your room. Dinner will be brought to you._

_Second bath taken the girl didn’t have to wait long before the woman to enter with dinner, She was handed a bowl of rabbit stew and instructed to eat. She complied._

  
  


**[Fin - 5:57 June 18th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

I remember the isolation, a small concrete room with no windows and a rusty metal door. A bed and a dirty sheet. No pillow, no blanket.” I rubbed my right wrist absently. “He would handcuff my hand to the bed at night and tell me that I would be his perfect monster. I didn’t understand what he meant. 

“I wasn’t even three and he was teaching me the proper way to hold a knife, praising me when I did well and punishing me when I didn’t. When I learned how to hold the knives he started bringing in bodies...cold bruised bodies...He would teach me where to sink the blade to do the most damage. Which places would kill and which would only hurt worse than dying...Eventually the bodies weren’t dead...The only reprieve I remember were tea parties. I know it sounds absurd but he would bring in a table and chairs, food drinks, entire place settings. We would have casual conversations in English for practice and I had to use my best manners...But I couldn’t ask about my mother. Asking about her would get me beaten…when I stopped asking about mama my reward was ballet. I would be taken to a larger room where a woman taught me... I don’t remember her well but she frightened me…” I stopped talking, lost in the memory and unsure how to get myself unstuck. 

“How old were you when he subjected you to Dr. Erskine’s formula?” Vision asked calmly and I shook away the voice of the woman counting. _Fünf. sechs. sieben. acht._

“Four...maybe five. It’s hard to say for sure.”

“Please, tell me about that.” He leaned back in his chair, trying to be casual. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

  
  


**[1940]**

_“Wake up Fenrisulfr.” Her father was undoing the cuff around her wrist. She let him finish and sat up, waiting for further instruction. “Come with me.” He started walking and she followed without question. He led her into a room she’d never been to before and lifted her small body onto a medical table. She stayed quiet and watched him move around the room._

_“It’s ready. Finally.” He laid her back on the table. “You will be my perfect monster” At his words a sense of relief washed over the girl, replacing the trepidation she’d had when they entered. If he could make her perfect, she wouldn’t need to keep trying to improve._

_“No more lessons?” She asked, unable to stop herself. Instead of punishing her for speaking out of turn, he answered._

_“No more Madame A.” he confirmed. “Now be still.” She would endure anything to be able to go back to how it was before, in a home with her mother instead of here alone. He began strapping her onto the table and she didn’t fight it. Instead she closed her eyes and imagined going home. She just had to do this one last thing and she could go home._

_She felt the table rolling under her and squeezed her eyes tighter. She didn’t want to see what was coming, she didn’t care. She kept wondering if this was all a trick, another test, and she knew if she saw what was happening she might let on that she was afraid. Being afraid was unacceptable. She heard a door close and lost the sound of her father moving in the room around her. When she tried to hear where he may have gone she heard the whirring of machinery instead. The low hum of power building joins the rest of the sounds and she nervously tenses against her bonds._

_She felt cold metallic plates being laid against her skin along her arms, chest and legs. She inhales at the shock of it but bites back any sound. Before she has the chance to exhale hundreds of needles from each metal plate pierced her skin and a scream rips out of her throat. He back arches off the table despite the restraints. She feels the needles withdrawing but the liquid in her veins starts to burn, she tries to open her eyes, looking for her father to reassure her but the lights in the room are too bright. Through her eyelids it seems they are getting brighter. The fire in her blood feels like it’s turning to glass and ripping her apart from the inside as she continues to scream. She can’t be sure over the sound of her own pain but she thinks she can hear her father laughing._

_He watches through the reinforced glass, the vita-rays accelerating the serum in her. It was the same formula Erskine had created that was used on him, the same set up and combinations of external forces. Finally, he would show the doctor that his formula was flawed. What better way to prove his serum was at fault for his disfigurement and not whatever Erskine imagined. He would show him that even the innocence in a child would be made an abomination with this formula and when the good doctor’s guilt pulled at his heartstrings, that very child would slit his throat. It would be a beautiful beginning to his plan to overthrow those who saw him as his betters. An assassin can be suspected, an army can be detected, but a child? A child would never be seen as a threat, especially an unarmed little girl._

_When the vita-rays were done and it was safe to enter the room, he got to work on part two of the procedure. This was more specific to the program Madame A had been a part of, but it was a practical solution that Schmidt could not argue with. The woman had tried to insist he wait to perform the procedure but he needed to do it now. It was one more element of her life that he needed to control and it would not wait._

_When she regained consciousness she was still strapped to the table, every movement caused her pain and she found herself trying to crawl away from it._

_“Don’t move.” Her father’s voice was gruff and serious, unlike before this ordeal._

_“Please, it hurts. Please can we stop?” she could feel the wetness on her cheeks, hear the weakness in her voice as she tried to blink away the tears._

_“When I am done you will be the perfect weapon, Schatz.” he crooned, his voice calmer not that she’d stopped squirming. She couldn’t keep her eyes closed any longer and turned to face the voice. The room seemed dim, but her eyes could have still been adjusting after the brightness from before. Nothing was in focus, even her father’s face was a blur, albeit a recognizable one. He was leaning over her, sewing at an open wound below her navel. She couldn’t remember hurting herself, she was fine when he put her on the table, but she supposed something could have happened while she was out._

_“Please…” She managed weakly._

_“You are nearly done! Just this one last thing and you will be the greatest power in Germany since Adolf himself.” He moved up to her face, touching her cheek with a bloody gloved hand, leaving a streak of red in his wake. “Zola thinks only the Russians can make perfection, I think we can prove him wrong.”_

_“Yes, father.” She managed to get the words out before losing consciousness again, the pain was too much._

_She wakes in a bed with pillows and blankets, her hands are free and she touches the place where her father had been suturing, finding no evidence of stitches or scarring as though perhaps she’d dreamed it. Laying her head back on the bed she could only think to herself,_

_“Thank god, he is done making me perfect. This nightmare can finally stop._

_She was wrong. The procedure was only the beginning. Enraged that the serum had not affected her in the same manner as himself Schmidt made it a personal goal to test her limits._

_He started with her arms, breaking them one at a time and watching them heal. Recording the severity of the break as well as the time it took to heal completely. Once he had a satisfactory pool of the basic information, he started the process over again. He wanted to see if her body learned from past experience, were the bones harder to break the second time around? Did they heal faster the second time? Would she build a resistance to the same injury if it were reoccur enough?_

_He broke every bone in her body at least twice, the major bones more than that, and she was expected to continue lessons between his experiments. A new ballet teacher replaced Madame A, this one showed her face, but she had no more sympathy for the little girl who stumbled while trying to dance pointedly on two broken feet._

_Eventually Schmidt ran out of tests and experiments, he was getting nowhere in testing the girls limits with any sort of consistency and the lack of empirical data frustrated the man. He couldn't understand how they could both be given the same procedure with such wildly varying results. He grew bored testing the limits of her resilience and finding none and so he decided to go further. He has seen her heal from injury and watched her spar with instructors who would not push beyond a certain point, but he needed raw data. He needed to know how she would handle a situation where she would have to fight for her life, a situation where no one would be there to give her the order to protect herself._


	5. Unfold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Elena - 8:27 June 18th, 2015 - EN ROUTE]**

After the abrupt exit from the compound I expected to spend the ride home in silence, when Fin spoke I nearly jumped out of my skin. 

“I’m sorry I’m an asshole.” She held her head in her hands, leaning against the passenger door. 

“Don’t apologize, I know.” I smiled, trying to keep the mood from getting too heavy. “What did you do this time?”

“Oh you know, I was being myself.” I heard the familiar light sarcastic tone in her words and was relieved, it had been a while since we’d talked in any tone that wasn’t anger or thinly veiled sadness. 

“Hmm. So...stubborn, obstinate, contrary, pensive, and generally a pain in my ass?”

“You forgot angry, loud, and inconsiderate.” She laughed.

“Ah yes, you’re finer points.” 

“I started to tell Vis what I remember. He said he might have a solution to the nightmares.”

“That’s good...right?” She scoffed, okay not good then. “What was it?”

“Wanda.” She only said one word but it was everything I needed to hear to understand why there was a problem. Fin didn’t trust easily, and Wanda was starting at a disadvantage, having been the one to make the problem in the first place. 

“She’s not a bad kid.” I tried. 

“I barely trust her being in this building, I'm not letting her in my head again.”

“Is that why you left in such a hurry?” She nodded. “Fin, you can’t judge everyone based on their misguided actions. You of all people should know that.”

“I think being a brainwashed murder toddler and following a crazy robot are two COMPLETELY different sets of circumstances.” Her face paled as she realized she might have said too much. I thought she would shut down the conversation to avoid saying more but she went the opposite way. “I was the brainwashed murder toddler in that analogy, so I think I' m qualified to say as much.”

“I didn’t need you to clarify, but thanks for those nightmares...just when I thought I was over that kid from ‘Pet Sematary’.”

“Sometimes dead is better.” She said flatly. I knew it was a line from the movie, but it didn’t make it any easier to hear her say it. She caught the way I was looking at her and shook her head. “I’ll be alright, E.”

“You sure? You know, you’re a pain in the ass but I' d still miss you if anything happened to you.”

“I think so...You don’t have to get all mushy about it...but I need to go back.”

“Right now?” I started going through all the options to turn around in my head. 

“No, not tonight. There’s just more I need to say that I didn't get to. I need it all out.”

“We can go back tomorrow.”

“NO!” She exhaled, calming herself. “No. We’ll go back next week. It’s fine.” I knew why she’d protested to strongly agaisnt going back, but given it was a stupid reason I wasn’t going to let it go that easily. 

“Just because he’ll be there doesn’t mean you have to see him.”

“I know.” Her voice was soft, she almost sounded embarrassed at how hard she was trying not to see him. “It won’t make it easier.”

  
  


**[1941]**

_With Madame A out of the picture the dance lessons became more and more crowded. Men in uniforms that looked like her father’s would come to watch her dance. One or two at first, then more. At the end of each lesson she would be sent back to her room while her father talked to the men, but he never told her what they said so she wasn’t sure why they were there. Their uniforms had patches she was unfamiliar with, skulls with tentacles, and they seemed to obey her father. She saw him being saluted once and she knew that they feared him as much as she did. One day after her dance lesson her father brought one of the men to her room. He didn’t say anything as he closed the door behind the stranger, who sat on her bed. Her father's voice echoed in her in her mind, a previous lesson;_ _‘Men are easily fooled, let them think they are getting what they want and you will always have the upper hand.’ Let him think he was getting what he wanted...but what did he want? The girl waited for instruction._

_The man patted the bed beside her and she went to him, sitting on the mattress where he’d directed. She looked straight ahead at the wall, not wanting to look at the man who would not stop staring at her. He ran his hand up her bare arm and across her shoulder, snagging on the leotard straps._

_“Möchten Sie das entfernen?” He asked, his hand moving to tilt her chin up so that she had to look at his face. He looked younger than her father, but not by much. She could see the stubble dusting his jawline as she watched the pulse in this throat thrum._

_“Nein. es geht mir gut.” she answered, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end, a warning that something was not right here._

_“Dann werde ich es für dich tun.” he grabbed the front of her top, bunching the fabric in his fist as he pulled her closer and drew his trench knife. He cut through the straps and let the fabric fall, leaving her exposed from the waist up._

_“Warum hast du das getan?” She felt the sting of tears behind her eyes and her instinct was to fight them, but seeing the look in the man’s eyes she understood. He wanted her to be afraid of him. She let the tears fall. “N_ _ein, nein! Bitte nicht. Ich möchte das nicht tun._ _ich mag das nicht.”_

_“Du wirst.”_

_The man came at her, ripping at the rest of her clothes and trying to get her back on the bed. She fought, scratching and biting, screaming at him to stop. He wasn’t trying to be gentle, he didn’t care if he hurt her. He only cared about what he wanted. She didn’t understand what he was doing or why, all she knew was that he was angry he was hurting her. She tried to ignore the pain, to go somewhere else in her mind. She was no stranger to pain, she’d been hurt before, but this was different. This was new and...wrong._

_“_ _Was ist das? Lass mich gehen, du tust mir weh. bitte ... Was machst du jetzt?'”_ _She wriggled her leg free of the man’s grasp and kicked him in the jaw with as much force as she could manage. The man stumbled back, not expecting her to hit so hard. She rolled off the bed, careful not to be tangled in the shreds of clothing that hung off of her as she reached for the knife that had been set aside when the man started holding her down. He saw her going for it and body slammed her into the wall to keep her from it, ribs audibly cracked under his weight and he dropped her in surprise. She bounced on the thin mattress, curling her body in on itself to protect her injury. The knife had fallen on the floor, out of sight and the man crawled back on top of her. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine she was somewhere else, out in the snow or back in the lesson room dancing. Her father’s voice that spoke to her again. ‘Be willing to kill to survive and, you will always be in control.’ It was all the permission she needed._

_Her father opened the door hours later to find the soldier face down on the floor, the ribbon of the child’s ballet skirt wrapped around his neck. His eyes bulged and his tongue puckered out from between his lips in a perpetual expression of gasping for air._

_“Warum willst du mich kaputt sehen?” the girl asked. “Ich möchte nicht so sein wie du. Ich möchte keine Menschen töten."_

_“Dafür ist es viel zu spät, mein kleines Monster.”_

_The man in her room may have been the first, but he was not the last._

  
  


**[Fin - 9:31 June 25th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_State of my Head - Shinedown_

“That’s it. That’s all of it.”. 

“I can see why you’re having trouble processing so much information at once. The human mind is not meant to experience trauma in such a way. I imagine that’s why you suppressed it in the first place.” He pauses. “I cannot change the things that have been done to you anymore than I can make you stop remembering them. They aren’t files to be deleted, they are what make you. I believe the sooner to embrace that, the sooner your mind will stop fighting you.”

“That’s not who I am. I am NOT what he made me.”

“On the contrary, you are EXACTLY what he made you. However you are not what he wanted you to be. His goal was to make you his ally, but by killing your mother he turned you against him. He wanted you to be easily controlled, so he broke you, but it only made you stronger. He showed you first hand the cruelty the world is capable of and yet, you still choose to fight on behalf of it.”

I was crying and for the first time in weeks it was in relief. I couldn’t find the words I needed to tell him how much what he had said helped. I knew I wasn’t fixed, there was no easy fix, but having someone who would not say things for the sake of my feelings...it was a start. 

“Have you been doing anything to help you sleep?” he asked as he looked at my face, I knew he could see the circles under my eyes, you’d have to be blind to miss them. 

“I push myself until I'm too tired to fight sleep anymore. I still only get a few hours at a time.”

“That’s...not healthy. Will you at least consider talking to Wanda.” I started to protest but he raised a hand to stop me. “Fin, I' m not even sure she can fix anything, but if anyone can it would be her.”

“Fine.”

  
  


**[Steve - 21:58 June 25th, 2015 - NEW YORK]**

The meeting Sam ran had ended but another was still going in the adjacent room, Sam stopped in the doorway to check in with the other counselor but didn’t go in, not wanting to interrupt the man who was talking. I looked around Sam at the guy, he looked like he’d just gotten out of the losing end of a bar fight but it wasn’t how he looked that got my attention, it was what he was saying. 

“As long as I was at war I never thought about what happened next... what I was gonna do when it was over, but I guess that’s it you know? I think that might be the hardest part...the silence. The silence when the gunfire ends. How do you… do you live in that... I guess that’s what you're trying to figure out, huh. What you guys are doing. You’re working on it... I respect that... I just, um, if your gonna look at yourself, really look in the mirror, you gotta admit who you are...but not just to yourself, you gotta admit it to everybody else...first time in as long as I can remember I don't have a war to fight and I guess if I' m gonna be honest i...I’m scared.”

Sam put a hand on my shoulder, motioning for me to follow him. We walked outside into drizzling rain, it wasn’t enough to bother us but it was colder than it should be for the time of year. 

“You were paying real close attention to what that guy was saying in there.” Sam pointed out. 

“Yeah, he was saying what I've been trying to find the words for…”

“The thing Wanda showed you?”

“She showed me a normal life, everyone around me was happy, having a good time dancing and listening to music...but I couldn’t hear the music over the bombs and gunfire. I didn’t see laughing and dancing, I saw screaming and fighting and when I tried to see the truth, the normal parts, everything disappeared but me...and silence...That guy in there, he asked the real question. After everything, all the noise, how are you supposed to live a normal life?”

“Nobody knows the answer to that, man. If they did I wouldn't be having these meetings. No one has figured it out and no one can do it alone.”

“Barton seems to be doing a pretty fair job of it.” I half joked, remembering his wife and kids. 

“Rule number one, don’t measure yourself by someone else’s ruler. That’s how you drive yourself crazy.”

“What’s rule number two?”

“Rule number two, any advice you receive in the meeting parking lot must be reimbursed with dinner and a beer.”

“Oh really?” I smiled. “If I didn't know any better I'd think you were making these rules up.”

“Who me?” he feigned looking hurt. “I would never. By the way, rule #3 that you never question the giver of the rules.”

We found a place close by, the burgers were greasy and the beer was cold so there wasn’t much more to ask for. We didn’t talk a lot over dinner, not about anything serious, those things were left in the meeting. We talked about trivial things, trivial to us anyway. I asked how the new wings were treating him, he asked about some of the new recruits. They were questions we already knew the answers to, but sitting in silence was worse. Sam reiterated his appreciation for my inability to get drunk as I adjusted the driver seat, this wasn’t the first meeting that had ended in a few beers and while he fought me at first he’d grown accustomed to me driving. 

It was late by the time we got home, usually everyone was asleep by the time we got back from the city but it wasn’t unheard of for Vision and Wanda to be up. When we heard their voices as we came through the front door I tried to make myself scarce, not wanting to interrupt them, but when I realized they were talking about Fin I stopped in my tracks. 

“I’ve never tried...I don’t see the fears I just...open the door for them. I’m sorry, I didn’t know one person could have so many locked away.” Wanda sounded genuinely remorseful. 

“Could you try to close the door?” Vision asked. “I know taking the memories away isn’t possible, but perhaps if this door is closed they won’t be at the forefront of her consciousness as they are now.”

“I can try...If she wants me to.” Wanda added conditionally. 

“...will you see what’s in there?” Fin’s voice was quiet and at first I wasn't sure if it was her, but the way my chest tightened at the sound was all the confirmation I needed. 

“Why are you still standing here, man. Go.” Sam pushed me towards their voices.

“I said I'd give her time.” I reminded him. 

“You have man, you’ve worked on yourself...you can’t fix things with her if you keep pretending she isn’t here when you know she is.” I shot him a look. “Yeah, I know you saw them leaving when we pulled up last week. I’m not stupid.”

“I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t.”

“What’s the difference?” I turned down the hall, away from the conversation and toward my room.

  
  


**[Fin - 01:00 June 25th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

“I won’t see anything you don’t want me to. If you think about it directly I might, but I’ll try not to look if I can help it.” Wanda explained, her hands wringing in her lap nervously. 

“You know if you tell someone not to think about elephants, they are going to think about elephants.” I pointed out. 

“I don’t understand.” Vision tilted his head. 

“It’s not important. Is there anything can I do to make it easier? I need this to work.”

“Have you ever meditated?”

“Does punching or running count? I’m afraid it’s as close as I get to any sort of ‘peaceful reflection’.” I added helpfully, looking over at Elena for input but she had nothing to add.

“I can work with that. Sit down and close your eyes.” 

“Right now?”

“We can wait, if you want…”

“Fin, do you really want to wait? Or do you want to know now if it will even work.” Elena had a point. If it wasn’t going to work, I might as well get hope off the table. I did as Wanda said and took a seat on the coffee table across from her. She held her hands on either side of my head, close enough to feel their warmth but not quite touching me. “Don’t worry, we won’t let anything happen to you.” Elena moved beside me and squeezed my hand in reassurance, I squeezed back and tried to think of anything other than the elephants I wanted to hide from Wanda.

“I’m here too, Fin. We’ve all got you.” Vision reassured me, with my eyes closed he sounded like Jarvis and it was strangely comforting, I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes and I tried not to let them fall. They were here, they wouldn’t let anything bad happen...but they weren’t all here. I wished Steve were here too, as much as I didn't want him to know what I was in my own head, it didn’t change how I felt about him. I could only hope it hadn’t changed the way he felt about me. 

I heard Wanda take a deep breath beside me and knew it was now or never, I would talk myself out of letting her help if I walked out of the compound right now. I didn’t run away from real fights, but every time life put me up against something I couldn't hit I ran, it was the only way I thought I could survive...but I was tired of running away. 

“Imagine a path in front of you...feel your feet hitting the ground and the air filling your lungs as you run. Let your mind go where it goes when you run. Let it drift into the place where you don't need to think” I took a deep breath as I pictured the path at Donaldson Run Park, I saw Steve running ahead of me and felt the smile on my face. I wasn’t running away this time, I was running toward something. “...good...now stay there and keep running.”

  
  


**[Elena - 01:42 June 26th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_Unfold - Penny and Sparrow_

“It’s done. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s done.” Wanda’s voice was unsteady but I kept my eyes on Fin. 

“That’s it?” She asked, wiping errant tears from my cheeks. 

“Hopefully. It might help if you do that again, pretending to run, while you fall asleep. It could help redirect the thoughts that are still close to the surface.” She paused, trying to find the words to explain. “They are behind the door again, but no longer hidden from you.”

“Did you see…?” Fin didn’t finish the question before Wanda answered too quickly. 

“No.” I could see her face when she spoke, her eyes were red and her cheeks were wet with tears. I hadn’t been watching her, I'd been more concerned with Fin, but now I could tell she’d been crying too. 

“Can we go home?” Fin whispered. 

“Yeah.” I handed her the keys. “Meet me in the car, I’ll be right out.” She took the keys and walked out without question, I assumed she was too tired to care. I waited until I heard the door close before I started down the hall. I wasn’t super familiar with the compound, having not spent a lot of time here, but I could follow a trail. I stopped outside of Steve’s room, raising my hand to knock when I heard Sam’s voice on the other side of the door. 

“I heard a car door, you can still catch them before they leave.”

“She asked me to give her time, why is everyone so against me actually doing that?” He sounded frustrated, like it wasn’t the first time he’d been over this tonight. I knocked. After a heartbeat I heard a hesitant, “Come in.”

When I walked in the room they both looked at me like I was a ghost, I caught Steve’s eyes looking past me to see if I was alone. 

“She’s in the car. She doesn’t know I'm talking to you.” I explained. 

“See, now that’s a sentence that a mutual friend says to a friend’s ex. I told you man, you have to do something or she ain’t coming back.”

“We didn’t break up.” Steve said defensively. 

“Oh really? Have you spoken to her in the last month? No?” Steve didn’t respond and Sam threw his arms in the air. “I rest my case...and since I can't talk any sense into you, I'm going to bed.” He got unsteadily to his feet, the smell of beer on his breath explaining his bluntness. When he was gone, I closed the door behind me. 

“Are you here to tell me to step up or move on too? Cause I' m really not in the mood to hear that speech again today.” He didn’t bother getting up to greet me so I didn't bother sitting down. I wasn’t planning to make this a long conversation anyway. 

“No. Fin told you what she needed and that’s what you’re giving her. If you get tired of waiting, no one will hold that against you...least of all me. But I'm not going to tell you what you should do. I just wanted to tell you that I think she's getting better.” His eyebrows shot up but I cut him off before he could ask any questions. “I don’t know what that means, but I know she’s accepting help. She has been talking to Vision and she let Wanda try--”

“Wanda? Fin actually talked to her?” He interrupted. 

“Yeah, surprised the hell out of me too...in retrospect it shouldn’t have, Wanda was a shortcut to fix her problems and Fin has never been the most patient when it comes to her own downfalls.”

“Do you think it worked?” He stood and walked toward me, I made the mistake of looking him in the eyes before I answered, I'd wanted to be realistic and unbiased but the look he was giving me was...desperate. I couldn’t help but relate, if someone told me there was a shortcut to make James remember who he was so I could have him back…

“I think so.”

“I hope you’re right.” He smiled sadly, “I miss her.”

“I know.” 

As I walked to the car I hoped I hadn’t been lying to him, finding Fin asleep in the passenger seat was a good sign that at least part of what I’d said had been true, she was getting better. I closed the door gently, doing my best to let her sleep. I had to wake her when we got home, she managed the stairs on her own but I followed her to her room to make sure she got there in one piece. When we got to her room she paused at the door, hand on the knob, before turning to face me. Before I could ask, she threw her arms around my neck and squeezed, I froze in a state of mild shock. Fin wasn’t a hugger on her best day so this was very unexpected.

“Thank you.” She whispered as I regained my mental faculties quick enough to return the hug. 

“For what?” I wasn’t typically one to look a gift horse in the mouth but I wasn't sure what I'd done, other than tolerate her for the last month. 

“For being here.” She said, letting me go. 

“If you’d let them in there are other people who would have liked to be here too.”

“I know. And I’m trying to make sure I don’t fuck that up...if I haven’t already.”

“You haven’t.” I reassured her.

“Night, E.”

“Goodnight, Fin.” I waited in the hall, listening for her to fall back to sleep before I climbed the spiral steps into the hangar. I hadn’t been intentionally avoiding James, but I hadn't gone up there in over a week. I was honestly a little ashamed that I'd let us go as far as we had, it felt like taking advantage. 

“What is it, what’s wrong?” He asked when he saw me. 

“Nothing’s wrong. I actually... I think we may have caught a break. Listen.” 

“I don’t hear anything.” he raised an eyebrow at me. 

“Fin’s asleep.”

“Wow. Did you drug her or something?” He exaggerated his disbelief. 

“No, she just...finally let someone try to help.” I sat on the cushion beside his makeshift bed, making sure to keep an arm's length out of reach, I didn't want a repeat of last time. “There’s a girl, the one I told you about that got in our heads in the first place. Fin let her in to try and...put things back the way they were. I’m not sure how well it worked but it had to have helped somehow, she’s been sleeping soundly since we left.”

“Good. She could use the sleep, so could you.”

“It made me wonder if--” I’d been thinking it the whole drive home, but he didn’t let me say it out loud. 

“No.” He snapped. “I’m not going to let anyone else play around in my head. I already have trouble distinguishing myself from the programing. I don’t need more questions.”

“It was just a thought.” I apologized.

“I know,” he sighed. “I know you just want to help...I’m sorry.” 

“For what? You haven’t done anything to be sorry about.”

“I’m sorry I couldn't remember.”

“That’s not on you.”

“Feels like it is.”

“It’s not. Blaming you for not remembering would be the same as blaming Fin for her father’s mistakes. I’ve gotten pretty good at placing blame where it rightfully belongs.”

“Still... I wish I could remember.”

“Me too.” unfortunately wishes weren’t going to help anyone. “What do you remember?”

“It’s hard to say.” he shrugged. “Sometimes something will happen and a random memory will pop up, most of them I don’t have context for. Everything else that’s coming back is...it’s all out of order. As far as I can tell the most recent memories are the ones that are the most clear. I remember you helping me escape after I pulled Steve out of the Potomac. I can remember attacking the Triskelion, and Nick Fury. I can remember where I was before that mission and everything after. I remember Ice.”

“What about ice.” I coaxed him to go on, his face scrunched up in concentration. 

“It was an island, I think. Frozen. I remember seeing a truck that had crashed in the water. I remember that you were in that truck, they told me you were dead.”

“Do you remember how I got in the truck?” I was holding my breath, heart in my throat. He nodded. 

“I put you in it, so you could escape. I told you not to come back for me.”

“I didn’t.”

“I’m glad.” He paused, thinking. “Was that Fin, with you? I remember someone jumping onto the truck with you, they were shooting at the people coming after me.”

“It was. She came to find me.” I pulled my knees to my chest wrapping my arms around them. “Do you remember why we were there?” 

“Yes. but before that...there’s nothing. Not nothing, there are...small peeks at bigger pictures that I can’t see yet.”

“But that’s good!” I was trying not to be choked up, he remembered me. Not from Wakanda, but he remembered Franz Joseph Land. “It’s a good start.” I smiled but he shook his head. 

“It’s not enough. 


	6. Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Fin - 18:53 July 2nd, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_My Mistake - Gabrielle Aplin_

Elena had been upstairs when I was finally ready to go. I didn’t want to interrupt so I pretended not to notice she wasn’t in her room as I sent her a text saying I didn't want to bother her. I called a cab and made my way out before she could decide she needed to come with me. 

The taxi driver had been ecstatic when we turned onto the gated drive of the compound, I couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes it was annoying not to be recognized as part of the team by mainstream media, but other times the anonymity was a godsend. I wasn’t sure if the driver was going to leave until I reassured him that Captain America was not there at the moment. I’m still not sure he believed me but the handful of very official looking men coming to see what the problem was, did the trick. Clint held the door for me as I entered, greeting me with a hug. 

“Hey Kid!” I hugged him back with my free arm, a full tupperware container held firmly in the other. 

“What are you doing here? Don't you have a baby at home?” I asked, I hadn't seen him since Laura had the baby, I did have the wherewithal to send a baby gift. 

“I do, I was just checking in on you jerks. I’m on my way out. Who are you bringing food too? You know Steve’s not here right?.” I was counting on it. It was a Thursday night, which meant he was out with Sam. 

“I know. It’s for Wanda”

“It’s not poisoned, is it?” He raised an eyebrow at me suspiciously. 

“No. and if it were, I wouldn't feed it to her now because you’d know it was me.”

“Well, you kids have fun.” he chuckled. “It was good seeing you, Fin.”

“You too.” 

When I walked in Wanda was reclining on the couch, alone in the dark, watching a movie I didn't recognise. I stood watching for a moment, a blonde boy was being held underwater in a pool while others started yelling at each other in Swedish. I forgave myself for now knowing the film off hand until a decapitated head dropped into the pool behind the first boy.

“What movie is this?” She jumped at my voice, sending popcorn flying. 

“Fin!?” She sat up and paused the tv. “You scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry” I laughed. “Scary movie?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want company? I brought a peace offering.” I held up the container. 

“What is it?” She asked cautiously. 

“Food.” I shrugged.

“Why?” 

“I assumed that you ate food. Do you not?” The sarcasm came too easily and I worried I had over stepped, but she smiled. 

“I do. I meant, why bring a peace offering?” She clarified. 

“Because I was a jerk. Objectively speaking, a justified one at the time, but that’s not the point.” I started walking toward the kitchen and she followed. “The point is, you’re part of the team now, and you helped me. You didn’t have to do either.”

“It was the right thing to do.” She shrugged. 

“So is this. Let’s start over.” I opened the tupperware lid and slid it to her. “Hi, I’m Fin. Welcome to the team.” She leaned over the container, inhaling the scent of the still warm contents. 

“Is this...Paprikash?” her eyebrows rose in shock, the expression fading as she opened a drawer to get to the utensils. 

“I hope it’s good, I haven't ever made it before.” She dipped in a spoon, tasting it. 

“It’s perfect ...how did you know to make this?” She eyed me suspiciously. 

“Elena said you’d mentioned it when you were talking to her about comfort food. She’s one of those people who genuinely listens, even when you don’t think you're telling them anything important.”

“Apparently....thank you for this.” 

“It’s the least I could do. And...I’m sorry about your brother. I know that doesn’t make up for you losing someone...most of us know that first hand...I’m just starting to realize that I don’t have that many people, and every time I lose one it’s like losing everything. So maybe letting a few more in wouldn't be the worst thing.” She didn’t answer so I kept talking, trying to lighten the mood. “...some of us have even been experimented on by german scientists, so there’s already some common ground.”

“Steve told me, He said he volunteered to become what he is too. Just like my brother and I.” I had meant me and felt an unexpected knife in my chest when she said his name. It was stupid, they were all living in the compound, thinking they never talked was ludicrous but it didn’t keep the pang of jealousy from hitting me. I must have been thinking it too loud because she commented on it. 

“Don’t worry, He’s too old for me.” She smiled. “Besides, he thinks about you too much to notice I'm anything more than an orphan who needs a home.”

“You should be careful, I think he collects those.” I looked around the compound pointedly. 

“Then I'm in good company.”

  
  


**[Steve - 05:07 July 4th, 2015 - AVENGERS COMPOUND]**

_Overgrown - mountains on the moon_

I’d been laying in bed for half an hour. Staring at the ceiling. I’d usually be out running already, starting the day, but I didn't have the heart for it this morning. I didn’t want to do anything, I wanted to stay in bed and sleep, maybe forget what day it was.

I heard Sam walk past the door to my apartment, stopping to see if I was awake. I held my breath until he left like any mature ninety-seven year old would. When I was sure he was gone I rolled over, pulling the blanket over my head and letting myself fall back to sleep. I wasn’t sure what time it was when I woke up again, the sun was fully up and the compound was alive with activity so I got my ass out of bed. 

I put a record on and stepped into the shower, the steam already thick in the small space as I breathed deep. I needed to get out of here, I didn't know where else I'd rather be but I wanted to avoid the inevitable as long as possible. Showered and dressed I managed to make it to the garage without running into anyone. Once I was on my bike I felt like I was home free. 

I didn’t remember taking the bridge but I found myself in Brooklyn nonetheless. I drove around the shore for a while before visiting more familiar neighborhoods. I tried to avoid sunset park, despite it being the one place I seemed to want to go, and eventually pulled into Frank’s parking lot. It was still early and only a couple of cars dotted the gravel lot, but it was open. Frankie waved at me from behind the bar as I entered, taking a break from restocking shelves to acknowledge my arrival. 

“Hey handsome, where’s the rest of the crew?” She looked behind me, expectantly as I took a seat at the bar. 

“Just me.” I forced a smile. I should have known showing up without Fin in tow would raise a few questions. 

“Everything alright?” She popped the top off the bottle of coke and handed it over without me having to ask. “I wouldn’t pry, but I haven't seen any of you in months. I worry.”

“It’s fine. Or will be. It’s been a rough spot.” I admitted. She nodded. 

“Well, would a double with the works and an extra side of fries do anything to smooth it out?” She offered with a wink. 

“It’d be a start.” She disappeared into the back and the music changed, Vera Lynn’s voice floated through the empty room as the bus boys took chairs off tables to prep for the night. The food came out hot, a strawberry shake on the side, and Frankie left me alone while I ate. She stayed behind the bar, restocking and staying close in case I needed anything. I took my time, enjoying the food and the quiet. It was nice not having anyone ask me for anything, at the compound some of the recruits would come and ask me permission to wipe their own asses if Sam didn’t intercept them first. I left cash on the counter, more than enough to cover my tab and then some, and left before Frankie could protest. 

I took my time getting back, Sam and Wanda were in the kitchen when I walked in but I went straight to my quarters. I wasn’t sure if they didn’t see me or just didn’t feel the need to stop me, but I made it back to my room. I emptied my pockets into the countertop beside the door, keys and wallet tossed unceremoniously onto the wood. My phone was where I'd left it this morning, sitting on the charger a few feet away. It wasn’t blinking with any unread messages, well wishes or otherwise, but there was a folded piece of paper sitting under it. I picked it up, turning it over for anything written on the outside but there was nothing. I opened it cautiously, I wasn’t sure what I was worried about but the fact that someone had come into my room to leave it for me had me a little on edge. 

‘Look in the fridge.’ Was written in a familiar handwriting, small and neat as though they were hesitant to leave the note at all.

I followed the directions on the note, opening the small fridge in my kitchenette. There was a pie on the top shelf, the words happy birthday written in rolled dough on top of a lattice crust that didn’t quite hide the baked apples inside. A candle laid on top of the cellophane, waiting to be lit. I looked back at the note in my hand, looking for a signature to confirm my suspicions. There wasn’t a name, but on the other side in the same handwriting it said ‘Sorry I missed you.’

“We would have called, but you left your phone.” Sam stood in the doorway. “I hope you don’t mind that we let her in, but she said she wanted to wait.” Shit. 

“How long was she here?” I asked. 

“In your room? Probably an hour. She came out and sat with us for a few more.”

“Shit.” I said it out loud that time, picking up my phone to call her. It rang once, twice. I held my breath as it went to voicemail. 

_‘Hi, you’ve reached Fin. If you're hearing this message I might be avoiding you so don't call me. I’ll call you.’_

I’d never gotten her voicemail before and while the message felt very personal in the moment, I wasn't certain that it wasn’t her outgoing message all the time. There was a beep and I opened my mouth to leave a message but an automated voice cut me off. ‘The person you are trying to reach has a voice mailbox that is full. Please hang up and try your call again.’ I slammed my phone down in frustration, the sound of metal and glass cracking in my palm. I picked up the phone, looking down at it dumbfounded. Sam’s eyes were wide, looking from me to the phone.

“Well that’s not going to make it easy for her to call you back.” 

  
  


**[Elena - 16:58 July 16th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

Fin had been spending Thursday nights at the compound with Wanda, which left me free to do my own thing, but tonight I watched Fin get ready to go to Frank’s. I was worried she would decide not to go when I told her I had other plans but it didn’t seem to be slowing her down. 

I tried to get her to call Steve but she made the excuse of him being at the VA with Sam. We both knew the truth, she was worried Sam had been lying when he texted to tell her Steve had broken his phone. She’d made a pie for his birthday and taken it to him only to be told by everyone that he was ‘out’ with no other information. She’d come home crying and saying how stupid and embarrassed she felt having just gone up there like that. I tried to reassure her that he wasn’t avoiding her, that he didn’t know she was coming and if he was trying to avoid her he wouldn’t have called. She countered with the small detail of him not answering when she called back. 

For now I would hang out while she got ready and hope she was out the door before I had to go, otherwise it would make getting James out the door more difficult than planned. She was putting the final pins in her hair when her phone started to ring, I caught it before it fell off the vanity. I was hoping it was Wanda or Nat offering to go with her to Frank’s, she said she’d invited them last minute, but the call screen said ‘Sharon’. I handed the phone to Fin and her complexion went pale.

“Hello?” I stepped out of the room, trying to give her some privacy but I could still hear her side of the conversation. “Yeah...Did you? No, it's fine I can. I’m on my way. Yeah. Thanks.” She stepped out of the bathroom, mild panic on her face. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“Peggy...I’ve gotta go.” She pushed past me to grab her shoes. “I need to get to D.C. I...Shit.” she picked her phone back up and started to dial, I heard Steve’s voicemail pick up. “Damn it!” 

“Hey.” I took the phone from her. “His phone is broken, remember. I’ll get ahold of Sam, ok?” She nodded. She was overwhelmed and I was trying to help but I had a lot of things on my plate too. Him not picking up his phone when she was in panic mode was the last straw on her already overburdened emotions. I texted Sam on my phone, confirming he and Steve were at the VA. I verified the address and told him not to leave until Fin got there while I used her phone to call a car. 

“Fin, are you ok to get there on your own? I’ve gotta go.” I looked at my watch, I was already cutting it close. I didn’t want to leave her like this but if we didn’t get down to the boat in time, James wasn’t getting on it. 

“Yeah.” she shook her head and got to her feet as she put her phone away. “I’m good E. Go. do your thing.” She took deep breaths, trying to calm down. 

“You aren’t even going to ask?” I expected her to be mad that my plans were taking precedence over her crisis, but I might have been projecting the guilt I was already feeling about it. 

“No. I know you’ll tell me if you want me to know...I’ll try to stay with Peggy, if they don’t let me I' ll...I’ll figure something out.” She shooed me with her hand. “Go, do what you need to do.”

“Alright...I’m going.” I walked her out, making sure she got into the car before I abandoned her. I was watching her pull away when my phone vibrated. 

1 NEW MESSAGE: 

_Took the fire escape, meet you on the corner._

  
  


**[Fin - 18:58 July 16th, 2015 - NEW YORK]**

_Shelter - Dorthy_

I was trying not to hyperventilate in the back of this man’s cab. He must have seen it on my face because he hadn’t asked a single standard small talk cabbie question and he kept looking at me in the rear view like I might flip out. He wasn’t wrong, I felt like I wanted to flip out. I needed to get to Aunt Peggy. Sharon didn’t have a lot of details but she said that the nurses had suggested that the family might want to come to pay their respects, I wanted to make sure Steve got the same chance. 

I should have just texted Sam what I knew, should have met them there, it would have made more sense but... I didn’t want to go alone. I didn’t even know if Steve would want to see me, if he was mad about me wanting time apart. I didn’t know how he would react to me showing up at the group meeting, but I didn’t want to face whatever was waiting for me at Peggy’s without him. I’d lost people before but it was always sudden, tragic...I’d been losing Peggy a little at a time over the last few years. Every time she got worse I told myself, it’s alright because I still have her, she’s still here. I wasn’t ready for that not to be the case, and I especially wasn't ready to face that reality alone. 

When I reached the VA building I paid my driver and walked in, not really sure where to go from here. I walked up and down the halls until I heard Sam’s voice in one of the rooms. I stood in the open doorway, my impatience halted by my not wanting to interrupt. I scanned the room until I spotted a familiar blue collared shirt over broad shoulders, neatly combed blond hair. He was sitting with his back to me, head bowed as he listened intently to Sam’s speech. It was ridiculous but even the sight of him filled me with a level of relief. Even with everything happening, I felt so stupid to think any of my problems were easier to get through without him. 

Sam saw me and nodded, I nodded back a silent thank you as he wrapped up the meeting early, muttering apologies to everyone there. 

  
  


**[Steve - 19:15 EDT July 16th, 2015 - NEW YORK]**

Every meeting I attended with Sam reinforced that Fin had been right, I needed to get my head straight. Waking up from the ice I dove straight back into action to distract myself from actually processing the situation, and I hadn’t slowed down since. I could blame a lot of things for that, but the real reason is I hadn't wanted to allow myself the time to think. It was hard at first to talk, I didn’t want to be a spectacle, but it didn’t take me long to realize they just saw me as another soldier. They still teased me when I showed up in a button down shirt and khakis to the weekly meeting but old habits were hard to break and I was more comfortable in clothes that were familiar. 

When Sam started apologizing for needing to cut the meeting short I stayed in my seat, my mind running over all the reasons we might be having to duck out. I got lost in my own thoughts as everyone filed out, not paying attention to my surroundings. The jumpiness and hyper vigilance I'd picked up in Sokovia had started to subside with Sam’s help but I was still startled when her voice broke my concentration.

“Steve...” Fin whispered. I had kept my word to give her time and hadn’t expected to hear from her so soon, especially after the birthday fiasco. I turned to look at her and saw that she was wearing a dress and her hair was curled like she had been planning to go out. It almost distracted from the redness in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, walking over to her as Sam showed himself out of the room. She rushed into her answer, stumbling over the words.

“I’m fine ...not fine, but...it’s not me, I didn't know if maybe Sharon had…and I said I would, but...you’re phone...” she trailed off and her eyes met mine briefly before she looked away.

“Fin…”Her cheeks reddened a little as she took a deep breath.

“I...I” It was obvious that whatever it was she was struggling to maintain her composure, and that was important to Fin. Being vulnerable was hard for her, I knew that from the start, but I learned that it was easier if she felt safe. I looked around, we were in a big open room that had been filled with strangers less than five minutes ago, not much safety there. I closed the gap between us and wrapped my arms around her, she tensed and I thought I may have overstepped until I felt her exhale and hug my neck. She relaxed in my arms as her chin rested on my shoulder but I could still feel the tension in her body as she held on tight.

“It’s Aunt Peggy ...she isn’t doing well.” her voice quivered and knew that out of my vision she had been able to say it, knowing I couldn't see the tears. Someone had told me once that the best and worst thing about a hug was that it hid your face, I hadn't understood what they meant until now. “Everyone is trying to go see her before...just...making a point to see her. I didn't know if anyone had told you, I didn't want you to not get to say...anything you might need to say to her.”

“No one told me...thank you.” I meant it I hadn't been able to visit Peggy as often as I liked with her being all the way in D.C., I’d been spending my free time before Sokovia trying to track down Thor’s scepter and since we’d returned I'd had my own problems. I hadn't realized she had deteriorated so much. 

“I was about to go, Elena said she’d meet me there when she’s done with...whatever she’s doing“ She shrugged.

“I can take you, Elena can meet us there if you want, or I can bring you back to the compound and she can meet us there. It’s whatever you want to do.” I felt her nod and shift her weight in my arms to wipe her tears before releasing my neck, I let her go.

“What about Sam?”

“We drove separately, I wanted to ride the bike.” I’d thought about not coming tonight and sent Sam off without me. A few minutes of sitting alone in my room changed my mind.

“Let me tell Elena I'm with you, then we can go...Thank you.” She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text, when she got a reply we headed to the parking lot.


	7. Little Boxes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *CONTENT WARNING*
> 
> The following chapter contains recovered memories of graphic descriptions of violence and abuse against a minor.
> 
> Reader discretion is advised.

**[Elena - 20:32 July 16th, 2015 - RED HOOK TERMINAL]**

_Little boxes - Meadowlark_

I was impatient for the ship to arrive, but I was also hoping it would never come. I thought it would be easier, getting to say goodbye this time, but I was wrong. It wasn’t any easier than waking up without him, it was taking everything in me not to beg him to stay. All I wanted to do was wrap him in my arms and hold him until he remembered who he was...who we were together. I wanted to take him to Wanda so she could unlock whatever was keeping his past from him, like she had for Fin. I wanted to tell him that running away again wasn’t going to fix anything...I wanted him to stay. But it’s not what he needed. 

He thought he needed to be alone, remembering his past as the pieces fell into place on their own. He couldn’t trust that the memories people were trying to tell him were true, keeping the truth and lies apart was hard enough. I understood, at least I told myself I understood. 

“Do you have everything?” I asked, I knew he did but I couldn’t take the silence anymore. 

“Yes.” He answered, not taking his eyes off the ships as they pulled in, none of them were his, not yet. The ‘Roxana’ was waiting to be let into port, I'd gotten the call when they had the docks in sight. I wondered if I was thinking too much about the name’s meaning when he spoke again. “Where are they taking me?”

“Mombasa.” He knew; we’d been over this a hundred times in the last few days. “From there you can take a train, there are a few options so that’s up to you.”

“How long?” 

“A little over a month on the ship. Flying would have been faster, but it’s too dangerous.”

“Yeah...the TSA might notice this.” He held up his metal arm. 

“Undoubtedly.” I smiled as he looked down at his bag. He didn’t have a lot to take with him, but I'd managed to put together a backpack with the essentials, as well as a notebook to write down anything he might want to remember. My pocket vibrated and I hurried to check the message, hoping it was Fin letting me know she and Steve had made it to Peggy, but it was the burner phone. “We’re being let in. Once they’re unloaded they’ll be ready for you.”

  
  


**[Steve - 22:37 July 16th, 2015 - WASHINGTON D.C.]**

She looked so fragile laying in the white sheets, tubes and wires coming out of her frail arms. Her skin looked thin, like wet paper but her eyes were focused and clear.

“You came.” She smiled. I tried to smile back but wasn't sure I succeeded.

“Of course Peg. Where else would I be?” She reached out and laid her hand on mine as she got right to the point.

“Are you doing what I asked?” She searched my face as she asked, looking for answers there.

“What’s that?”

“Living your life, as you were meant to. Finding happiness.” She smiled, a wide genuine smile.

“I’m trying Peg.” I held her hand and she squeezed mine. 

“That’s all I can ask.” She hesitated. “Although, there is one other thing.”

“Anything.”

“Will you look after her when I'm gone? My Finlay?” I saw the tears welling in her eyes as she blinked them away.

“Peggy, dont-”

“Don't what? Say things like that? When else am I meant to say them?” Just like that, the fragile woman was replaced with the strong willed Peggy I'd known before, her body barely able to contain the strength of her personality. “Don't patronize me Steve, just listen to a wise old woman and her dying wishes.”

I didn't answer.

“Take care of her,” she repeated. ”She has a lot of things that sometimes make her forget how good she really is. Sometimes she needs reminding.” 

“She told me...about those things in her past. Not everything, but enough.” I admitted. 

“She did?” Peggy actually sounded surprised, I nodded. “good...good girl. It means she is smart enough to trust you.”

“She is good, you and Coulson did well with her. She's here to see you too, we rode together, the nurses said you could only have one visitor at a time.” 

“Yes, they told me. I let them know how I felt about their ridiculous rule. Honestly, what is having more than one person in here with me going to do? Kill me? It's a bit late for that kind of thinking now isn't it.” She gave me a soft smile and squeezed my hand again when I started to protest the gallows humor. “Steve, I have lived a long and good life. Promise me that when I am gone you will remember to live yours.”

“I can do that Peg ...and I will try to keep Fin out if trouble”

“Oh don't bother with that, let her get into trouble, that’s half the fun. Just keep her safe. Maybe get into trouble with her?” she suggested, eyebrows raised. I felt my cheeks get hot. 

“Now go on. I have so many people to see, you would think I were queen of England the way everyone is putting on.” She gave my hand one more squeeze before letting it go. “I love you Steve, I always have...and I'm sorry we never got our chance, but I wasn't your only chance at happiness. Remember that.”

“I’ll try.”

I stood, walking to the door with a last glance behind me as Peggy shooed me out the door with a soft smile. Fin stood from where she sat alone, apart from the rest of Peggy’s family, as I walked into the hall and I motioned for her to go in. Her face was red from crying and I realized for the first time that she was scared, the thought of losing Peggy again saddened me but it was terrifying her and she was being asked to face that reality alone. I reached out as she passed me, taking her hand and squeezing it to remind her I was here, that Elena would be here soon, that she was not alone. She squeezed back before letting go and a second later the door clicked shut behind me. I took the seat she’d vacated, if the rest of Peggy’s visitors hadn’t wanted to be near Fin I didn’t need to be near them either. I understood that things were complicated, but it seemed petty to hold on to it now. 

  
  


**[Fin - 22:59 July 16th, 2015 - WASHINGTON D.C.]**

I’d never been awkward around Aunt Peggy, not on my worst days or hers, but now as I closed the door I didn’t know how to act around the woman in the room with me. I wondered if anyone had told her that they planned to move her to hospice care in england, I had no say in it but her nephew had informed me of the decision now that most of the family was in Europe. I felt like I was losing her even if she planned to live a hundred more years...it wasn’t fair.

I turned to face her, my mind running through the hundreds of things I wanted to say, but none of them seemed right. Everything I thought of seemed so...trivial, in comparison to the thought of not having her around anymore. 

“So.” Peggy broke the silence between us, when my eyes met hers her face was alight with a mischievous excitement I hadn't seen in a long time. “Steve tells me that you rode here together. Did you come on the motorcycle?”

“Yes, we came on the motorcycle” I smiled, Peggy always knew how to distract me from the matter at hand. “He made me wear a helmet.”

“Good. Listen to him, he may not always make the smartest choice but it's usually the right one.”

“He hasn't gotten me killed so far, so we're off to a good start.” I just wouldn't mention Sokovia..or Strucker. 

“Will you take care of him for me Fin? He won't ever admit it but he needs people to remind him that he isn't just Captain America, he's human and allowed to make mistakes. Sometimes he is much too hard on himself.”

“Don't worry Aunt Peggy, I will keep him straight.” She smiled and patted the bed beside her, shifting her thin frame to the side and holding an arm up to embrace me. I got into the bed next to her, laying my head on her shoulder and letting her wrap her arm around mine as she ran her fingers through my hair. I could hear the effort in her breathing, the waiver in her voice. I shut my eyes to reality and imagined myself sitting just like this as a child, sleeping at aunt Peggy’s house while Coulson was on mission. Her voice penetrated the illusion but did not break it.

“So, did he live up to expectations? You never told me.” she whispered, as though we were just two girls sharing secrets about a boy.

“You and Coulson always made him seem like more, like some invincible and infallible being. But like you said, he is just a man, he makes mistakes like the rest of us...I think I like him better that way.”

“You know we only ever wanted you to be happy.” Her subject change did bring me back to the present, we hadn't talked about Coulson since he had died.

“I know, and I am most days... I just thought I would always have at least one if you, and soon I won't have either… I’m not ready for that.”

“You may not think you are, but I find life doesn't often give us the things we think we are ready for.”

I laid there with Peggy for a while, listening as her breathing evened out and she fell asleep. A light knock at the door shook me from the self pity pool I'd been wallowing in and I rose to open it. 

“I’m sorry miss, but you’ll need to leave. Only immediate family after eleven-thirty.” The nurse spoke softly and a little pang of hurt stabbed my heart as her words reminded me that I wasn't included on the ‘immediate family’ list, despite visiting more than Peggy’s own children. I turned back, seeing Peggy asleep before I nodded and glanced at the waiting room where Steve sat alone. 

“Are they still here? Her family?” I asked quietly as I closed the door behind me.

“Yes, They’re just downstairs. I can take you to them, if you like.” She smiled the gentle, practiced smile of someone who cared for a living. I shook my head. 

“That won’t be necessary, but thank you. I just wanted to make sure she wasn’t going to be alone.” I didn’t dislike Peggy’s family, they were all good people, but being on the outside of that particular circle looking in had always made me realize how different I actually was. I walked past the nurse to Steve and he held up my phone, I must have left it in the chair when I’d gotten up.

“Elena kept calling, so I answered. I hope that’s alright.” He explained as I took back the phone and sat beside him. “She said she got tied up and asked if I would take you to the apartment and that she’d meet you there tomorrow. I didn’t realize you still had it?”

“We kept it as a safe house...just in case.” I explained, I left out the part where the ‘just in case’ was exactly this situation. Elena had the forethought of me needing a place to stay in D.C. if anything happened to Peggy...I guess I wouldn't need it once they took her out of the states. 

“Are you ready to go?” He asked softly, aware of how quiet the halls around us were now that all the visitors were clearing out. I nodded, suddenly wanting nothing more than to get out of this stupid place, with it’s stupid nurses and it’s stupid rules. I must have started fidgeting in my agitation because he laid his hands over mine to still them. “Come on.”

It was raining when we reached the front steps, a soft summer drizzle that was just cold enough to send goosebumps up your arms. He put his leather jacket around my shoulders and I slid my arms into the oversized sleeves, thankful for the gesture. He took a step into the mist, walking towards the parking lot, but I couldn’t make my feet follow. 

“What’s wrong?” He turned back to ask when he realized I wasn't right behind him.

“I don’t want to go to the apartment, I haven't been since...” I hated the way my voice sounded as it squeaked out of my throat, I was trying not to cry and doing a poor job of it. He walked back to me, closing the gap between us in a few long strides. “I don't want to be here either.” I admitted with a defeated shrug. He took my hands in his, holding them between us. 

“Where do you want to go.” His voice was soft, comforting. I leaned forward until my face was hidden in his shirt and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. 

“Anywhere that isn’t here.” I spoke into his chest, my voice muffled. ”I don’t know. I just want to pretend that everything's ok for a little bit longer. Is that so bad?” 

“It’s not bad.” His hand caressed my back, trying to get me to calm down. “You tell me. Where is everything ok? I can take you to the apartment and stay until Elena gets there so you're not alone, I can take you to wherever she is. We can get food somewhere? We can do whatever you want. Just tell me where you want to be...I will get you there.” I looked up at his face, the undeniable sincerity letting me know that if I said that the moon was the only place I wanted to be, he would find a way to get me there.

“Can you take me home...please?” I answered him without thinking. 

“Brooklyn?” His eyebrows rose.

I suddenly felt embarrassed at the request, I couldn't expect him to drive five hours to Brooklyn. 

“I’m sorry. That’s stupid, you can just--” He leaned down and kissed me, stopping my rambling. When I pulled away I couldn't stop watching the way he looked back at me. 

“It’s not stupid. I was just thinking we’re going to have to stop for gas.” 

  
  


**[Bucky - 23:19 July 16th, 2015 - WASHINGTON D.C.]**

_How little I must know - Celldweller_

It wasn’t long until everything was cleared for me to board. I met Elena’s contact, Nkululeko, who laughed when I repeated his name back to him. Apparently my Xhosa accent left something to be desired. He told me how to find my room and promised a tour once we were on our way, but he was making sure the people he’d brought with him were making it off the ship alright. He left us on the dock, standing with our hands in our pockets. 

“You sure you won’t stay?” She said it with a smile, trying to pass it off in jest, but I knew the truth. I just wish I could remember why she cared so much. 

“I can’t. It’s not safe.” I stepped close, not wanting to have this conversation too loudly. “If they figure out where I am…”

“I’ll keep you safe.” She offered, like it was the simplest solution in the world. 

“It’s not me I'm worried about.” Before I could stop myself my fingertips were brushing a tear from her cheek, my chest tightening. Her eyes met mine, big and blue and beautiful, it hurt to see her holding back tears on my account. I kissed her, a soft brush of lips before I rested my forehead against hers, keeping my eyes closed so I didn’t have to see her crying. “Come with me.”

“I can’t.” I heard her voice crack. “I’m sorry...Fin needs me.”

“I need you.” I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, it wasn’t fair to say that to her. 

“You don’t know me.” Her words were a punch in the gut, she wasn’t wrong. I had feelings for her but I still didn’t understand why I couldn’t remember knowing her before and every day I spent with her I wanted to ask her to tell me what she meant to me...but that would only make things harder. I needed to figure it out on my own, for both of us. 

“I’m sorry.” I kissed her again, holding her to me for a long moment before breaking away and walking to the ship. I didn’t look back, I knew if I did and saw her standing there, I might stay. 


	8. Duet

**[Steve - 03:46 July 17th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

We walked up the steps to the living room in silence, I followed a few paces behind to give her room to breathe. I told her I would give her time and I had, I didn’t know what to expect now. She moved through the living room without turning on the lights and sat on the couch, pulling the throw blanket over her lap. I sat on the other end, deciding the other chairs would be too far from her. I sat in the dark with her for several minutes, listening to the analog clock in the kitchen ticking away the seconds, I tried to count them to distract myself, I wanted to ask what I could do, what she needed, how I could help. I knew Fin well enough to know that asking if she was alright was the fastest way for her to tell you she was fine and shut down. I could wait. Hell, I'd been waiting since we got back from Sokovia, a few silent minutes wouldn’t kill me. 

“We can talk...if you want.” She whispered, as though hearing my thoughts.

“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.” I was being polite, I wanted to talk to her, I wanted to know how she was holding up with Peggy and how her ‘break’ from me to get her head straight was going. I wanted to ask if she was ok or if she was still afraid of me. I wanted to talk about what we were to each other and where we were going, if anywhere…I wanted to know where we stood. She’d let me kiss her without throwing me to the ground, which was promising, but I had taken advantage of a vulnerable moment. 

“I want to. I don’t want to talk about…” She took a breath and held it a second before exhaling it slowly. “I want to talk to you. I wanted to before... but I didn't think I was ready... I didn’t think it would be so hard.”

I didn’t know what to say and she didn’t wait for me to figure it out. 

“You know, even after nights I woke up screaming from nightmares, the next morning I would go to the gym and my first thought would be that I wished you were there with me... No matter how bad the stuff swimming around in my head was at night, even when you were part of the nightmare, I would wake up wondering how you were.”

“You were right. I did have my own things to work out.”

“Elena told me you were going to the VA with Sam, I’m glad. I like Sam, I think he’s good for you.”

“Yea, me too...” I ran my hand through my bangs, pushing them to the side, a nervous gesture I'd forgotten I had. 

“We can keep talking...about that...if you want.” She whispered. I took a deep breath, it was now or never, but I had to know. 

“I just need to know ...if the vision Wanda showed you changed us. I can’t keep going like this, not knowing where we stand with each other. I need to know if you’re done trying to make this work.”

“Is that what you want?” She pulled her knees to her chest.

“God no.” I moved closer to her, laying a hand on her knee as I tried to smile and reassure her. “I don’t want that, but if you are afraid of me because of what happened, I want to know so I can start working on changing your mind.”

“I would be lying to say it didn’t change anything but...I’m not afraid of you, Steve...” The way she trailed off made me think there was more to it and I waited. “I…” She took a deep breath, as though the rest of the sentence needed to come out in one go. 

“I’m afraid of losing everyone I love, of being left alone with the wreckage and not being good enough to do the right thing on my own. I’m afraid of what I know...about me...about what Schmitt did to me...afraid it will change what you think of me...”

“Fin...I already read your file, I know who your father was and I know he gave the serum. I know he trained you and then put you in a box when he realized you were better than him. I don’t care.”

“Did you know that I was three when he started the training. His own twisted version of the regime that the red room implements? The same one that trained Natasha?”

“No, I didn't. But I don't care.”

“Did you know he tortured me? That he taught me to torture people and made me kill them when I was done?” She wasn’t trying to act like she wasn’t upset, I could feel her shaking under my hands. “Even if they gave him what he wanted?”

“No. and I don’t care.” I reiterated. I cared that this happened to her, it pissed me off, but it didn’t change how I felt about her. She looked away from me.

“Did you know he made it so I can’t have children? Because I didn't know that before... and don’t say you don’t care...because I care.” She shook her head. "I never even thought that was something I wanted but knowing he took that choice from me I..."

“I didn’t know ...and you’re right, I do care. But not for the reason you're thinking. I care because he shouldn’t have done that to you...you were just a kid and he shouldn’t have done any of that to you. If he wasn’t already dead, I would kill him.” We sat in the dark in silence, I could hear her breathing and the shaky sound that meant she was trying to pull herself back together. After what felt like forever her hands found either side of my face in the dark, making sure I was looking at her. The street lights filtered through the thick curtains left enough light to see the outline of her, the slight reflection in her eyes. She tucked her knees under herself and leaned her forehead against mine. She was so close I could feel her lips brushing mine as she spoke.

“Did you know…” She held onto me like I might disappear if she let go. I put my hands over her wrists on either side of my face, running my thumbs on the backs of her palms as I waited for the next revelation to be whispered in the dark. “Did you know that I love you, Steve Rogers?” She didn’t give me a chance to answer before she kissed me. I moved my hands to grab the edges of my jacket around her shoulders, holding her close. She pulled her lips away and I let go, wondering if I misread her intent, but her hands rested on my shoulders as her eyes searched my face.

“I love you.” I exhaled a breath I hadn't known I'd been holding as I wrapped my arms around her under the jacket, she leaned in to my embrace, letting her arms slide around my neck, and it felt right. Her soft, warm lips brushed mine tenderly as she shifted, trying to pull herself even closer. I tried to lean in to accommodate her but only succeeded in pulling us both off the couch. 

I held her as we fell and she landed above me on the hardwood floor, her body shaking with laughter. I could feel her smile against my mouth as she continued the kiss, pulling me into a sitting position as she settled onto my lap, not bothering to get back onto the couch.

My hands went to her face, thumbs tracing her jaw and her lips before sinking into her loosely pinned curls. She took her hands off me and began to wriggle out of the oversized jacket, the motion was tantalizing where she had settled on my lap and when she freed herself she dug her fingers into the front of my shirt, leaning into me as her hips pressed into mine. A jolt of pleasure shot through me and I didn't recognize the rough sound that escaped my throat. Fin broke the kiss and leaned back, looking at me with a mischievous grin that I'd grown to adore. 

“You’re smiling.” It didn’t come out as a question but I sounded surprised, even to my own ears. 

“I guess I am...I shouldn’t be, should I?” She answered with a slightly mad giggle, moving her face to my neck, her lips trailing from my collar to my ear.

“I don’t know.” My voice shook and I cleared my throat unconsciously.

“I can stop, if you want.” She said quietly against my skin. 

“Smiling?” I asked stupidly, there wasn’t enough blood going to the smart brain apparently. 

“No. Not smiling.”

“Do you want to? Stop, I mean. We don’t have to--” She kissed me, answering the question before breaking away again and focusing on my face. 

“I mean it, Fin.” I held her gaze. “I don’t want you to do something you might regret later...if it’s not what you really wanted.”

“Can I ask...you don’t have to answer but…” 

“Ask.” I wasn’t sure what she wanted but I was more comfortable talking at the moment.

“Are you...have you ever...?” She had trouble spitting it out but I knew what she meant. I never confirmed the rumors but I hadn't denied them either. I enjoyed the confusion on Tony’s face when the topic was occasionally broached. 

“Once.” 

“Was she nice?” I didn’t understand what she meant at first but I remembered how Fin had been treated by Rollins.

“She was nice enough at the time, although I found out after it had been a game. The girls were seeing who’d get to me first...she was one of the USO dancing girls…”

“Oh!” Fin sounded surprised. “I wish I'd known that before halloween.”

“You never asked.” We sat for a minute, unmoving, until Fin suddenly stood, walking to the other side of the room. 

“I’m sorry. I ruined it, the only thing I'm good at is killing things and that’s what I've done, I killed the moment.” she was pacing and rambling, her face flushed and I couldn't help but smile at her, relieved not to be the most awkward person in the room for a minute. I got to my feet and caught her mid pivot. She looked up at me, her face a conflicting image of embarrassment and regret. “I just...everything keeps going to shit and I thought that I could sort it all out on my own but it’s just as hard alone as it is any other way and...and I missed you, and I...I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy, because of all the things going on but I’m happy with you and then you’re here and I’m ok because...because somehow I know it’s going to be ok and it doesn’t make sense because of course it won’t be and then I have to go and ask stupid questions and I ruin everything.”

Halfway through I couldn't find it in me to stop her, I liked what she was saying, but I knew if I didn't stop her she would talk herself into a frenzy.

“You didn’t ruin anything.” I kissed her and she held on to me as I straightened, her feet lifting off the floor as I managed to get an arm under her legs. I walked slowly, hoping not to bump us into anything as I took her to her bedroom. 

  
  


**[Fin - 04:29 July 17th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

_Duet - Penny and Sparrow_

He sat me gently onto the bed, I didn’t let go as he knelt beside me on the mattress. I didn’t want to stop kissing him, I told myself it wouldn’t fix anything, but that wasn’t quite right. It wouldn’t make everything better, true, but if there was one thing I'd come to realize it was that I was better when I was with him. 

I reached between us, fumbling with the buttons on his shirt as I tried to undo them. I got frustrated and broke the kiss to see what I was doing, there was more light in my room and I saw the look on his face. He was grinning at me. 

“What?” I undid the rest of the buttons, pushing the shirt off his shoulders. “I thought we weren't smiling.” 

His face dipped to my neck and he started kissing the soft skin under my earlobe sending goosebumps down my spine. Why did this feel so good? I ran my hands over his chest under his tee shirt, pulling it over his head before running my fingers through his short hair. His skin was warm and I couldn't keep myself from touching every exposed inch as he shifted, hand on my side as he lowered us until we were laying beside each other. He leaned to kiss me over and over again. My lips parted and I couldn’t keep my tongue from darting out to taste him, his mouth tasted like cherries and mint and I absently wondered why. His free hand moved from its place on my hip to my chest, slowly as though he was waiting for me to stop him. I didn’t. Instead I inhaled sharply at the tantalizing pressure as he ran his thumb over my nipple through the soft fabric of my dress. I took his hand, moving it off me as I pushed him into a sitting position before sitting up myself. I turned away from him, giving him access to the back of my dress as I watched him over my shoulder. He leaned forward, kissing the nape of my neck as he unzipped it. He stopped once it was undone, leaning into my ear to speak.

“Are you sure?” he whispered. I nodded and stood, turning to him as I started tugging the straps of the dress off my shoulders. He watched the dress fall away, I hadn't needed to wear a bra under the form fitting dress and the only bits of clothing that remained were my panties and the thigh holster that was a security blanket for me at this point. He stared. I let him for longer than I wanted too, not kissing him was hard but standing still while he just...looked at me. I didn’t know what was going through his mind and that was harder. He smiled and held his hands out to me, I took them in mine. 

“I was just thinking about when we rescued you in Russia.” My cheeks heated. 

“Black Widow’s mission.” I had tried to forget that one, personally. 

“You know the strike team referred to it as the russian panty raid for months.” He leaned closer to me as I laughed and pulled my face to his. God I needed to be kissing him, needed to touch him, to taste him. I reached between us and undid his belt. I felt his shoulders tense, I waited to see if he wanted to stop before going further. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t relax either. 

“We can stop.” I whispered against his lips as I undid the button of his pants. He grabbed my legs and rolled, leaving me on the bed looking up at him.

“If that’s what you want. All you have to do is tell me.” He answered, his mouth lowering to kiss a trail from my collar to my breast, stopping to tease each nipple with his tongue before traveling to my navel and beyond. 

He lowered himself off the edge of the bed, grasping my legs behind the knee and pulling me until my ass was nearly off the bed. He kissed the inside of my knee as he pulled off the garter, turning to mirror the kiss on the other side as his fingers worked their way under the elastic waist of my panties. He pulled them down slowly, his breath warm and heavy on my skin and I felt my pulse racing. We’d been here before but this time the anticipation had every nerve in my body thrumming with excitement. One of his hands disappeared below the edge of the mattress as the other slid up the outside of my leg, mirroring the progress of his mouth as it trailed light kisses up my thigh. He paused as he reached his destination, when I didn't protest his hand moved to caress the sensitive nub between my legs as he ran the flat of his tongue against my slit. My back arched off the bed, his thumb moved in circles that sent waves of bliss through me as his tongue delved deeper with every pass. A pleading moan escaped my lips and encouraged him. His slow, torturous pace pressed harder into me as his tongue moved. I reached down taking his hair in my hands as I pulled him away. He looked up at me, a smug grin on his lips but a question in his eyes. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t find the words to tell him I wanted him closer. 

I sat up as I pulled him to me, my mouth meeting his with a desperate need to be touching him, all of him. Even as his chest pressed against mine he felt too far from me, my hand moved against the back of his head as the other reached to finish the job I'd started undoing his pants. It was only when my fingers met the cloth that I realized he’d undone them the rest of the way while I'd been distracted. I let go of his head as he got to his feet, leaving his pants on the floor. I reached up, my hands on his hips as I looked up at him. I watched his face as I freed his erection, his cheeks coloring brilliantly as I slid him into my mouth. The sounds he made as I moved my tongue along his length only encouraged me to keep teasing him the way he had me. I moved with slow purpose until I felt his fingers dig into my hair and pull me away. He bent down, the hard kiss crushing against my lips. I could feel his heart racing under my hand as I rested it on his chest. 

I crawled away from him, back into the center of the bed. He followed, kissing me as he crouched between my legs. His kisses were softer now but they still had a sense of urgency to them as his tongue explored my mouth, his fingertip tentatively pressed where that tongue had been moments before and my hips arched to meet them. I pulled him down to me, my nipples brushing his chest as his cock grazed my stomach. I reached down, taking him into my hand and stroking gently as his fingers moved in me, matching my pace. 

“Fin…?” For a second I thought he was going to tell me to stop but when his voice finally processed through the cloud of ecstasy I realized he’d been asking, not telling. He moved so his arms were positioned on either side of my head and he held himself above me, looking down at my face. In another situation I would have felt trapped but instead I felt safe, like nothing could get to us in this moment. We were the only two things that mattered. I looked at him and nodded, my hand slowing but not stopping. “Are you sure? I don’t want--” I cut him off with another kiss and tilted my hips to position him against me.

“Please.” I kissed him softly, as he had done earlier and he rested his forehead against mine, closing his eyes as he pressed forward, the tip of him parting me. “Please.” He slowly pushed inside, my hips rocking forward encouraging him to continue. I felt him fully sheathed as he exhaled an unsteady breath, opening his eyes to look at me. I tilted my face up to kiss him and tried to be still, letting him decide the pace. He let his weight rest on me, filling me, before he began to move. Slowly at first, sliding himself out and back in again, taking deep breaths as he moved. It didn’t take long to lose any command I had over myself. I lifted my hips to meet each thrust as they came faster and harder, my breathing was ragged and I tried to speak but whimpers of satisfaction were all I could manage. I ground my hips against his and felt a pulsing wave of heat in every thrust, bringing me closer and closer to shattering any control I had left. I felt the muscles inside me contract as his free hand wound its way into my hair, holding me to him in a hard kiss as euphoria washed over me. I could feel him spasming inside me as he came and the rippling aftershocks of pleasure that accompanied it, matched by the desperation for his mouth on mine. He released my hair and his arms wrapped around me, holding me against him as the last spasms of orgasm faded. 

* * *

**[Elena - 5:45 July 17th, 2015 - RED HOOK TERMINAL]**

_Until the levee - Joy Williams_

I stood alone on the dock until the ship left, torn between following him and wishing he’d decide not to go. I kept waiting to feel something, not that I felt nothing at the moment but I remembered the sick empty pit in my heart when I lost him the first time, the desperation when I couldn’t save him the second time, the sheer rage when Fin kept me from going to him in D.C. Watching the ship disappear on the horizon all I felt was disappointment. Had I really expected him to change his mind at the last second? Chose me over his own freedom when he didn’t even know who I was? It was stupid, but I had been naive enough to hope.

The sun rose over the city as I walked back to the apartment, my clothes still smelled like James and I kept asking myself if I made the right choice. 

_“Don’t go. Please.”_

I hear my own voice in my head, a ghost from Wanda’s vision that won’t stop haunting me. It was always there, just under the surface...waiting. I reached in my pocket, anxious to see if I've missed any calls or texts from Fin, and found something unexpected. I pulled the phones out, the first is mine and has no messages. The second is my burner phone, the last message is from Nkululeko, reassuring me that James is safely on his way. The third phone was the anomaly, I'd only had two when I left the house. I flipped it open, clicking the unread message notification and finding that the ‘to’ and ‘from’ numbers are the same. Whoever had used the phone had texted themselves. I read the text a few times in disbelief, wondering if he remembered doing this to me before or if history was doomed to keep repeating itself. 

‘I’m sorry, I can't risk them connecting you to me or tracking this phone. I will find a way to let you know I'm alright, I promise.’

By the time I reached the house I was exhausted, emotionally and physically. I knew I needed to meet Fin in D.C. but there was no way I was driving up without some sleep first. I walked up the steps, oblivious to anything but the checklist in my head: take shower, text Fin, take a nap, coffee, drive to D.C. I decided to make sure we had coffee in the house before starting the shower and made my way to the kitchen. I found the coffee and set the pot to start brewing on a timer, oh the joy of technology. I also found a half carton of ice cream that was calling to my bruised heart. I grabbed a spoon and leaned against the counter, not bothering with a bowl. When I was done I pulled the burner phone out of my pocket, reading the message again. It didn’t hurt less than before. I sighed as I opened the phone, pulling out the chip before breaking it in half and tossing it in the bin with the empty ice cream carton. 

I eventually gave up on my self pitying procrastination party and resigned myself to at least shower. I stop halfway across the living room, my nose catching a familiar scent. I look around and find Steve’s leather jacket laid over the arm of the couch and I wonder if I'd really been so distracted that I hadn't realized he’d left it here. Maybe Fin had it in her room and found it more recently, it would explain why I hadn’t seen it before. It wouldn’t surprise me, I'd been so tired and distracted lately, hell before Sokovia Fin usually smelled a little like Steve so it makes sense that I ignored it before. I probably only noticed now because I was alone in the house, I hadn't been expecting it. 

As I walked to my room I swore I heard a voice, low and gravely. The words were unintelligible but it was definitely male. I shrugged it off, shooing away the specter of James still hanging around my brain. I froze when I heard it again, this time followed by Fin’s sleepy mumbling through the door. Why was Fin home? Had she taken a car back from D.C last night? I looked back at the jacket on the couch and my mind formed a narrative. Steve taking Fin to see Peggy and driving her to the apartment afterwards. I remembered the dress Fin had left the house in and assumed Steve had given her the jacket to keep her warm on the bike, forgetting to get it back from her when he left. If Fin was upset enough she wouldn’t have wanted to stay alone in the D.C. apartment, not after the last time she was there alone. She would have come back here. Shit. I should have thought of that before, I should have called a car and gone straight to D.C. when the ship came in instead of walking around Brooklyn feeling sorry for myself. 

“Fin, I--” I opened the door and immediately shut it again when my tired eyes registered two bodies in the bed, not one, cursing sleep deprivation and stress for my stupidity and poor life choices. God, how had I not put that together? 

  
  


**[Steve - 6:01 EDT July 17th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

“Good morning” I felt Fin whispering in my ear and the haze of morning cleared from my brain. 

“Yes it is.” I turned to her, kissing her as I pulled her to my chest. She slid a naked thigh to wrap around my torso and I rolled on top of her as I left a trail of kisses down her neck. “A very good morning.” I took her breast in my mouth, teasing her nipple with my teeth as I pressed my body into hers. 

“Oh? That good?” She reached between us, taking my shaft in her hand and stroking as she kissed me. 

“Fin, I--” The door was only open for a second before it closed again, but I panicked. I rolled off the bed, hitting the floor in a tangle of sheets that I'd taken down with me. I heard Fin laughing hysterically on the mattress above me. 

“Are you hurt?” She managed between breaths. 

“Only my pride.” I got to my feet, holding the blankets around my waist. Fin laid on the bed, naked and exposed as she chuckled. 

“Well... I think I've finally figured it out.” She chuckled, unable to stop grinning at me. The way her naked chest shook with laughter distracted me from the temporary embarrassment. 

“What’s that?” I pulled my gaze from her, looking around on the floor, trying to find my pants and whatever remained of my dignity. 

“You’re greatest weakness.” 

“You?” I grabbed her ankle and pulled her onto the floor beside me in a swift yank, catching her on my lap before she could hit the ground.

“Gravity.” She leaned forward, kissing my cheek before reaching past and fishing my shirt from between the mattress and the nightstand. She pulled it on, buttoning the front before getting up and disappearing into the hallway. I found what remained of my clothes before making my way into the adjoining bathroom to take a shower as I constructed my four part apology to Elena for anything she may have seen just then. 

  
  


**[Fin - 6:06 July 17th, 2015 - BROOKLYN]**

“Fin” Elena groaned through her teeth as I met her in the hallway, her face was pink and her hands covered her eyes like it would help her unsee whatever she walked in on. 

“Elena!” I mimicked her tone with a giggle and she dropped her arms to her side in exasperation. 

“You slept with Steve!?” I felt like she wanted to say something else but those were the only words coming out of her face right now. 

“Yeah I did.” I said confidently, emphasizing the ‘yeah!’. 

“Fin.” She said seriously, in contrast to my jovial tone. “When I left you were going to see Peggy, what happened?”

“We went, we saw her. We stayed until the nurses kicked out all ‘non family’ visitors”

“I thought you were going to the apartment? So you could stay close by?”

“I was, he saw I was upset and asked what would make it better. I just...I wanted to come home.” I shrugged, I didn’t know how else to explain it, I knew it didn’t make sense. 

“So he drove you 5 hours to Brooklyn and, what, your clothes fell off?” She guessed. 

“That about sums it up.” I grinned and she crossed her arms impatiently so I elaborated. “We talked! When we got here we talked about...all of it.”

“And THEN your clothes fell off.” She couldn’t help but laugh and I rolled my eyes. “I’m just trying to get an accurate timeline! It’s about goddamn time you two sorted that shit out.” 

“Agreed.” I exhaled, looking over my shoulder at the closed bedroom door and heard the shower running. I laid a hand on her shoulder to get her attention as I whispered. “Speaking of, how did your night go? Everything sorted?” I tried to keep the question vague, just in case, but I had to ask. Bucky had told me the plan and I saw what it was doing to her. 

“It’s done, and I’m tired, I’m going to bed, so try to keep it down.” She patted my hand before taking it off her shoulder with a sad smile. 

“I’ll do my best.” I reached for my bedroom door, turning back to her as an afterthought. “Maybe put in headphones?” I added as an afterthought. She smiled, giving me a thumbs up before disappearing into her own room. 

My chest felt tight as my heart beat against my ribcage like a trapped bird and it felt...good. It felt good to have my pulse racing out of excitement instead of fear, anticipation instead of dread. I tiptoed to the bathroom door and raised my hand to knock before realizing it wasn’t closed all the way. When I stepped in a wall of steam met my face, the shower running hot enough to fog the glass shower doors but I could still make out Steve’s shape on the other side, standing away from the stream, head tilted back to let the water run through his hair. I stood watching him, frozen with indecision. I’d been brazen walking in here but now I was doubting my intentions. 

“Are you going to stand out there all morning? Or are you planning to join me?” He asked without moving, not even bothering to open his eyes. 

“I was waiting to see if you were going to start singing.” I dropped his shirt on the floor before sliding the door open just enough to squeeze through. 

“You don’t want me to sing.” He smiled, opening one eye enough to take in the view. 

“I don’t know about that.” I reached out to touch him, unable to stop myself from running my fingers across his shoulder before following the rivulets of water down his chest. 

“I do.” He grabbed my hand from his ribs, stopping it’s downward progress with a shiver. “That tickles.” He pulled my hand to his face, kissing my fingertips with warm lips before turning us in a slow circle until I was under the hot stream of water. The contrast of hot water down my back to the cooler air made my nipples harden and I felt the blush rise in my cheeks with the realization there was no hiding the reaction. If he noticed he said nothing, instead he ran his fingers across my jaw, tilting my face up to him and my head further into the water. I rested my hands on his waist to keep my bearings as I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warmth. I heard him shifting in front of me and the familiar smell of green apple shampoo tickled my nose. 

I felt him step closer as he ran his hands through my hair, fingers carefully moving through the wet curls as he massaged my scalp. 

“Mmmm...are you trying to put me back to sleep?” I purred, leaning into him until my nipples brushed his chest. He wrapped an arm around my waist, holding me close as his other hand continued to lather my hair. He stepped me back under the water, rinsing out the shampoo and repeating the process with the conditioner. “If you’d told me this was part of the deal I would have asked you to move in sooner.” 

“Sooner?” I felt his voice reverberating in his chest. “Did I miss the part where you asked at all?” I didn’t have to open my eyes to hear the smile in his voice. 

“Do you want to?” I grinned up at him. 

“Do I want to, what?” He teased.

“Steve, do you want to move into the Sunset Park house...with me?” The kiss he pressed against my lips knocked me off balance, I stumbled backwards into the shower wall. “I think that’s yes.”

“We’ll see.” He teased, leaning forward so that his lips barely brushed mine as I reached behind me where I kept my body wash, getting a copious amount in my palm before lathering it across his chest, his abs, then lower. He chewed his bottom lip as I ran my hand up and down the length of him, slowly pumping. 

“Still ticklish?” I asked, waiting for him to stop me. When he didn’t I kept exploring, stroking him with one hand as my other reached to gently squeeze his balls. He inhaled sharply and pulled me into another crushing kiss before lowering himself down my body, stopping to tease my nipples with his mouth before maneuvering onto his knees. Before I could protest my thighs were over his shoulders. His mouth was sucking on my clit as his fingers moved inside me. My legs started to shake as he stoked the warmth in my belly and I sank my fingers into his hair, pressing his face harder into my lap as I wriggled on his shoulders. I felt his smile against my skin and the low laugh sent a rumbling vibration through his mouth. My legs clenched as the orgasm washed over me, I tried to close my mouth against the noises escaping me but I couldn't contain myself. I hoped Elena had taken my suggestion to put in earbuds seriously. 

He carefully lowered me back onto my feet but I had to hold onto him to steady myself as he stood. My legs felt like jello and my whole body felt like an exposed nerve. He pressed his body to mine, kissing me softly as I reached between us, taking the length of him in my hands to return the favor.


End file.
